This is starting to get ridiculous. Wait… strike that… this IS ridiculous. As far as I know, Lance Armstrong retired a year ago. Yet, this doesn’t seem to stem the never-ending stream of news stories about him. I simply cannot believe the amount of time and energy people (aka the French, or anyone who has some axe to grind) are devoting into somehow convincing the rest of us that he might have taken some performance enhancer.

Yes France, we get it, you hate him. You are pissed off that he dominated your little race 7 times in a row. Yes, he’s a dirty American… a Texan no less… and needs to be destroyed at all costs. But for the love of God, can you just go back to eating cheese, drinking wine and being snooty to tourists in peace?

I like Armstrong. He battled back from about 3 different cancers and became the ultimate bike racer. He won the ‘Tour’ 7 times. But, since I’m an American, that’s about as far as my caring can go. I don’t give 2 shits about bike racing. I barely cared when he was actually riding… and guess what… I care FAR less now.

I guess this is an open letter to the media as well. Not only do the French, and everyone else just need to let it rest, the media has got to stop playing each and every story like its actually important. WE DON’T CARE. The world didn’t come to a halt when Barry Bonds, who is hated by many and we can pretty much all agree he has taken just about everything, passed Hank Aaron on the all time home run list and people actually care about baseball. So, you’re never going to make us give a damn about a likable Texan who won some race that we really don’t care about. Here, let me do your job for you for the next 10 or 20 news stories regarding Lance Armstrong.

Headline: Armstrong accused of ______________ (doping, cheating, calling us ‘frogs’, generally being a pain in our ass).

Today, Lance Armstrong was accused by _________ (the French, some cycling body, former teammates, former friends, general rabble-rousers) of ___________ (enter what ever they’re whining about now). Citing sworn testimony, ___________ (enter current accusers, max 3) said they have concrete proof that Armstrong ___________ (enter what he supposedly did wrong, try to make it sound really horrible). They claim that in (some year before he won, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005) Armstrong was known to be taking __________ (steroids, human growth hormone, horse tranquilizers, the blood of infants) in order to improve his conditioning.

Armstrong, when reached for comment angrily denies these “baseless accusations.” Armstrong reiterated that he was, “the most tested athlete in the world,” and that he has “never tested positive of anything.”

Repeat ad nasueum. There… you’re finished. You can copy & paste and save yourself the time and effort and leave us all the hell alone now. Unless someone has a picture showing Lance with a syringe in his ass, a mouth full of pills, a copy of that day’s newspaper and a copy of his birth certificate in it, nobody is going to believe anything bad. More to the point, it simply doesn’t matter to anyone anymore. Not that it mattered much in the first place.

Move on.

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