This past week, I went about the process of informing my groomsmen to be that they were, in fact, groomsmen. What follows is my email and good old George’s response.

For the record, I would just like to say that I love bein’ a guy. Reason 9,486: Life is so much simpler. I see Jess sparing with her chosen bridesmaids, spending hours upon hours looking at dresses for them and knowing that at least one, or perhaps all of them won’t like it. Me? I just fire off an email and within 2 hours, all 3 responded and we’re good to go. That’s it. They get a tux and I guarantee that not a one of them will complain about the cut, or the color, or anything. They get it, they put it on, they return it to the rental joint. Bing, bang, boom. No muss no fuss.

The emails…


Good Afternoon, Gentlemen.

We have reached a boiling point, and your particular skills are desperately needed. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is one of utmost importance. I won’t lie to you, the risks are great. However, the rewards upon successful completion can be even greater. You should also be aware, that not all of you may return safely. If this sounds like your particular cup of tea, then please keep reading. If not, delete now……..

Good. You’re still here. The mission is as follows. As you already know, I am the point man on a new alliance which will be formalized with an official document signing ceremony late this summer. This union is of utmost importance and needs to come off without a hitch. Date of activity is Saturday, August 16th. What I require from you is back up. Security. My time will be preyed upon by all sides, and you will be there to run interference for me. At the ceremony itself, you will be in attendance in a show of strength and solidarity behind me. Who knows, you might even need to take a bullet (or shot, as the case may be).

You will be issued a uniform which will allow you to gain entry to the event undetected.

I know this will be an inconvenience but I did mention rewards. First, you get the satisfaction of a job well done. Second, there are at least two occasions you will attend complete with free food and all the booze you can drink (within reason, of course). Third, I will undoubtedly provide you with some sort of cool ass swag which you will get to keep.

There you go. I sincerely hope you accept this challenge to be part of something great. I need you.

Cmdr. Jason Haberman

ps. if none of that makes any sense, I’m just bein stupid. I’d love you 3 to be my groomsmen for the wedding. It promises to be a good time. We’re working out the details, but trust me… its not gonna suck. Thanks, boys!


George’s response:


The mission is sound, the parameters are just. I will await additional mission sitreps while further reducing mass for the effect of photographical superiority.

Request a security briefing to discuss freely bona fides, security details, and any and all subjects in person in the city of Las Vegas, Nevada prior to actual alliance signing. I feel this would strengthen unit cohesion and bring forth a sense of duty to those present.

Please feel free to respond via any commutations previously used.

4 Replies to “Groomsmen”

  1. One thing I actually heard at a wedding I was in: “Do these shoes go with my nails?”

    A classic black, simple cut Tux. Basically the same since 1860, with some refinements (and bastardizations) along the way. Gotta love it.

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