We now return you to your regularly scheduled program. Today was really hard. Really hard. I didn’t have much to do, and found myself really missing her badly today. Things are tough when you feel so alone. Granted, family and friends are there, but it is just not the same thing. You know things are bad when you’re fighting back tears in the goddamn grocery store. I went to Albertson’s to pick up a few things, and anything and everything reminded me of her. Today is one of those days when I really feel it. I don’t know if it’s stupid or not, but I don’t even want to buy groceries that remind me of my past life. I know that is the most asinine thing in the world. No wonder I never want to eat anything. Last thing I want to do is think of her everyday I open the fridge, but I’ll be damned if I can stop it.

Just to get out of the house today, I went to Costco just to browse around. Didn’t seem to help much, or at all. A day like today, I don’t know if anything would help. I didn’t buy anything, and really just found more stuff to depress me.

I am so tired of feeling like this. There is no end in sight. To this day, sometimes it STILL doesn’t feel like its real. I can’t believe this happened. I think the problem is that I just don’t “not love” her anymore. Despite everything. And I’m the guy who never had a problem being alone before. I was single for 5 years. Didn’t bother me at all. Now, I can’t go 3 days without feeling lonely to the nth degree. I know things could be so much worse too, I mean, nobody has died, everyone’s healthy, etc. etc. etc. But that doesn’t seem to matter for shit right now.

God this sucks.

3 Replies to “Regression”

  1. It does get better….you just won’t notice it until one day you think, “hmmmmm….I think I feel better….” I have no idea when that happens, but it does.

    Just keep on keepin on….living well is the best revenge. 🙂

    Love ya,

  2. It’s true. Much as it doesn’t help you to hear it (I know it didn’t help me… it really only pissed me off when people said it while I was feeling so much pain, like it wasn’t that big a deal, or not real) but it’s true. One day you realize that you don’t cry when you see something that would have stabbed you through the gut only months before. I remember something that G told me after I broke up with Matt. She said it’s “supposed” to take 1 month for every year your were together to get over someone. It pissed me off. Not so much that she said it but that someone thought they could put a timeline to heartbreak… Like they had any frickin’ clue as to what it would take for me to get over someone I’d loved for 5 years. Oddly enough come month 5 I was dating and by month 6 in a relationship that was quickly heading toward serious. Don’t get discouraged Jas. You’ll heal in your own time. And don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re taking too long, or that you should just get over it already and move on. Tell those people to piss off. Just take care of yourself. And remember that you’re still in my prayers. love you. -kk.

  3. Hey – it’s me again, from Fark.

    Wow, this blog entry is EXACTLY what I go through about every three or four days. I used to go through it every day, then after a while I’d notice that it’d happen every other day or so, then a couple days in between…

    These types of days are horrible, but I don’t have to tell you that. When they happen, it takes every iota of my self-control to not contact my ex, even though she cheated on me, lied to me, left me, lying to me the whole time, and even though when my logical side is in charge of me, I can make solid, coherent lists of Pros and Cons as far as ‘what if she said YES to dating again?’ and ‘what if she said YES to being active friends again?’ and in both lists, I can see plainly, clearly that neither choice would be good for me in any way, shape or form, short term nor long with the ways I’m feeling now – yet my emotional side wants to get back that ‘high’ of interacting with her in some way.

    Things *are* getting better, but it feels like it’s taking a lifetime for it to happen… my friends tell me that they’ve never seen me take this long to get over a breakup before, and they’re right… this one is brutal.

    We can do this.

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