As I’m sitting here, I’ve spent most of the day wondering why in the hell do I torture myself. I can’t figure it out. No matter how much I try to distract myself, my brain seems to willfully and without my permission keep swinging back to her. All the time. It really seems like its been happening more and more often the past week or so. Nothing has changed that would cause it. But every little thing (and I mean little) I see or think about brings me right back. Also, I think I’ve dreampt about it & her every night this week. It’s horrible. I love waking up feeling absolutely demoralized. Great way to start the day.
For example, I have two paintings on my wall that match, they are stylized martini shots. Well, I looked at them today and my mind actually went this way: pictures >> martini >> I don’t really drink martinis >> I do like vodka tonics though >> I haven’t had a vodka tonic in a long time >> ingredients… vodka, tonic water, lime, ice and the act of making one >> Then I’m reminded of all the times she and I would travel and bring vodka tonics to have in the hotel room before we’d go out. Or the evening we had drinks in the Owyhee Plaza lounge, listening to the live piano, having a quiet conversation. Or any of 4 or 5 dozen things that could spring to mind. That whole process took all of about 4 seconds to get to the end, then I kept thinkin about that for the next 20 minutes.
Welcome to my hell.
One thing is for certain. I will never poo-poo another celebrity divorce again (or anyone’s divorce for that matter). I kinda related to Nick Lachey (Jessica Simpson’s ex) as we kind of got the same treatment… that was until I realized that he is 10x better looking than me, fighting off new women with a stick, and is about 1000x wealthier than me. That’s kinda where the comparisons end.
I guess I really wish I had been more of a participant in the decision. Had it been more of a mutual agreement, I think I’d be so much better off. One day, I’m buying a $600 diamond anniversary ring… literally the next day, I’m out on my ass with nothing. Why can’t I be more angry than sad? Shouldn’t I be?
I’m also finding myself wondering if she has had any second thoughts at all. Of course, this is another series of thoughts that get me ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE but I can’t stop them. Really, I guess I’m wondering what she’s thinking across the board. Not that it should matter on iota to me at all. I think I’m still a little shellshocked. I was listening to some music, and heard the song “You’ll Never Find Another Love” by Lou Rawls (sung by Michael Buble’). Pretty much sums up what I’m wondering. Doesn’t help matters, though. Everytime I hear a song that mentions marriage, love, breaking up, etc. etc. etc., I’m always reminded of the movie Shaun of the Dead… Shaun’s just been dumped by his girlfriend, and he and his roommate Ed are in the pub. The song “If You Leave Me Now” by Chicago comes on the jukebox, Ed turns around, “Who the ‘ell put this on?” Shaun replies, eyes teary and bloodshot, “It’s on random…” My whole life is kinda ‘on random’ right now. I think that is why I’m listening to a lot of celtic punk stuff… Dropkick Murphys, Flogging Molly, The Pogues. None of that stuff reminds me of her. (except for the occasional love song).
The days when I don’t have anything to do are the worst. If I have no social plans, no errands to run, no place I want to eat, no nothing I just kind of bounce around the apartment, just trying to kill time between work and bedtime. I guess being ‘your own man’ again is just a big adjustment. When you saw someone every day of your life for 4 years, and made all the plans together its just a tough adjustment.
Enough belly-achin for tonight.