Why do I do it?

As I’m sitting here, I’ve spent most of the day wondering why in the hell do I torture myself. I can’t figure it out. No matter how much I try to distract myself, my brain seems to willfully and without my permission keep swinging back to her. All the time. It really seems like its been happening more and more often the past week or so. Nothing has changed that would cause it. But every little thing (and I mean little) I see or think about brings me right back. Also, I think I’ve dreampt about it & her every night this week. It’s horrible. I love waking up feeling absolutely demoralized. Great way to start the day.

For example, I have two paintings on my wall that match, they are stylized martini shots. Well, I looked at them today and my mind actually went this way: pictures >> martini >> I don’t really drink martinis >> I do like vodka tonics though >> I haven’t had a vodka tonic in a long time >> ingredients… vodka, tonic water, lime, ice and the act of making one >> Then I’m reminded of all the times she and I would travel and bring vodka tonics to have in the hotel room before we’d go out. Or the evening we had drinks in the Owyhee Plaza lounge, listening to the live piano, having a quiet conversation. Or any of 4 or 5 dozen things that could spring to mind. That whole process took all of about 4 seconds to get to the end, then I kept thinkin about that for the next 20 minutes.

Welcome to my hell.

One thing is for certain. I will never poo-poo another celebrity divorce again (or anyone’s divorce for that matter). I kinda related to Nick Lachey (Jessica Simpson’s ex) as we kind of got the same treatment… that was until I realized that he is 10x better looking than me, fighting off new women with a stick, and is about 1000x wealthier than me. That’s kinda where the comparisons end.

I guess I really wish I had been more of a participant in the decision. Had it been more of a mutual agreement, I think I’d be so much better off. One day, I’m buying a $600 diamond anniversary ring… literally the next day, I’m out on my ass with nothing. Why can’t I be more angry than sad? Shouldn’t I be?

I’m also finding myself wondering if she has had any second thoughts at all. Of course, this is another series of thoughts that get me ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE but I can’t stop them. Really, I guess I’m wondering what she’s thinking across the board. Not that it should matter on iota to me at all. I think I’m still a little shellshocked. I was listening to some music, and heard the song “You’ll Never Find Another Love” by Lou Rawls (sung by Michael Buble’). Pretty much sums up what I’m wondering. Doesn’t help matters, though. Everytime I hear a song that mentions marriage, love, breaking up, etc. etc. etc., I’m always reminded of the movie Shaun of the Dead… Shaun’s just been dumped by his girlfriend, and he and his roommate Ed are in the pub. The song “If You Leave Me Now” by Chicago comes on the jukebox, Ed turns around, “Who the ‘ell put this on?” Shaun replies, eyes teary and bloodshot, “It’s on random…” My whole life is kinda ‘on random’ right now. I think that is why I’m listening to a lot of celtic punk stuff… Dropkick Murphys, Flogging Molly, The Pogues. None of that stuff reminds me of her. (except for the occasional love song).

The days when I don’t have anything to do are the worst. If I have no social plans, no errands to run, no place I want to eat, no nothing I just kind of bounce around the apartment, just trying to kill time between work and bedtime. I guess being ‘your own man’ again is just a big adjustment. When you saw someone every day of your life for 4 years, and made all the plans together its just a tough adjustment.

Enough belly-achin for tonight.

No Real Post

I don’t have a real post today. I just felt like putting a few more pictures of the boys out there. Thats all.

Synchronized Napping, were it a dog olympic event, you’re looking at the gold medal champions.

Frank… looking rather supplicant.

Dino… Slice of sunlight and chew toy… thats all I need.

Personally… I think they probably miss each other too…

How’m I doin?

I suppose I should write about how I’ve been doing lately since I haven’t done an update like that in a while. Here goes.

I would have to say that things have improved, but not a whole lot. In my down time I still find myself thinking about everything and it still bums me out. You know what really sucks? When you work hard all day to try and not think about it, then when you sleep that night you have a dream about the her, the divorce, the loss, whatever. Nothing like starting your day off on a really positive note. I used to really enjoy the fact that I could very often remember my dreams. Now… not so much… Speaking of sleeping, this hasn’t been a banner week so far. Between bad dreams and more ‘waking up super early’ (yesterday morning… I was awake at 3am, and had to try and kill time before going to work at 6.) I’ve been working out like my doctor suggested, but it doesn’t seem to be helping lately.

What I’ve noticed lately is that I am now mired in the ‘missing her’ state. I’m not angry. I don’t miss all the ancillary crap that went along with everything. I just simply miss her. No matter what I do, I can’t seem to shake that. I can distract myself for a little while, but usually not very long. Its all the little stuff I miss. And there is always something to remind me. Hearing a co-worker talking about a ‘rum punch’ (our last summer party, the rum punch was flowing) or the headline “Man Shot in Vegas Airport” (of all things… I can remember our February trip like it was yesterday. Literally.). I found the ticket stub for the movie ‘Inside Man’… we saw that 10 days before the split. I’m surrounded by it all. We loved the HBO show ‘Deadwood’. Now, watching it by myself just isn’t the same. I see advertisements for events or places that we would have totally enjoyed. I haven’t fully trained my brain either, because when I see or hear about things, for the slightest of split seconds I think “hey, we should totally do that!” … before I catch myself. I think its instinctual. Gonna be tough to shake. There are lots of things that I would like to do, but no matter what you try, you just can’t make it work when you’re single. Those of you who are married (and at this point, I think its all of my regular readers) know what I’m talking about. Family and friends are great. And they’re great to do certain things with. But you can’t do everything. George, I love you man, but I seriously doubt we would go to see Michael Buble’ together.

The other day, I was listening to some Sinatra which I haven’t done in a long time. Love songs haven’t really been what I’m into lately. Anyway, of my 20 or so albums, I picked one out at random and started listening. I was really enjoying it. I had forgotten just how much I enjoy his music. Then, the wheels came off the wagon. The song “Our Love is Here to Stay” came on, and I knew it in the first 3 notes. (it was like hell’s version of ‘Name That Tune’… “I can ruin my entire day in 3 notes, Beelzebub!”) Most of you know that was our wedding theme. I couldn’t get that song off fast enough to not put a black cloud over the rest of my day. I really hate that crap like that still gets me. It’s been almost 3 months and there is no end in sight.

I also find myself really missing the boys. Anyone who knows me knows I’m a total animal person. When I’m at someone’s house and their dog is a little too excited or too friendly, they are usually trying to restrain the dog or get him from the room… I’d rather have the exact opposite. Let the 85lbs lab sit on my lap. Give me kisses. Beg for pets. I love it. That’s what I miss from my guys Frank and Dino. Boy, did they love their dad. They would get so wound up when I got home from work. Running around the house at mach 2. I couldn’t work on the computer or watch TV without BOTH of them wanting to be on my lap, preferably burrowed into a blanket of some sort. Wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer (you don’t know how skilled you are until you can learn to type at a desk with two 12lbs. daschunds in your lap). When I hear a doorbell on TV, part of me still waits for the inevitable spastic barking that would ensue. Dog lovers know what I’m talking about. There are reasons you love your dogs and they’re far too many to list. Those are all the things I miss. Even when they were a pain in the ass. Other peoples dogs are great… Syd & Gus… Josie… Sadie… Otis (T-Bone)… but they’re not mine… and mine are gone.

People have told me to get a cat. I like cats well enough… like I said, I’m an animal lover. But as I’m looking at my apartment the thing is just so small. I would need to get one of those automatic litter scooping litter boxes because I’m a lazy S.O.B and don’t want to deal with it. But, there is nowhere in my entire place it would fit. I know that sounds like such a stupid reason to not get one… maybe its just an excuse I’m using to myself. I dunno.

Sometimes I really can’t help but marvel at everything I lost. I know I’ve said it before and don’t want to sound like I’m whining… but goddamn…

I guess I have to live with this:

“Everything can be taken from a man but the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way. – Victor Frankl

I’m trying, Victor… I’m trying.

Goodest of a Good Cause

My friends Adam and Beth (picture) have a charitable foundation in honor of their son who passed away from cancer at 19 months old. There is a terrific article about them and their charity work in today’s Idaho Statesman. They are great people with an even better cause.

If any of you are sports fans and want to try and get your hands on some good memorabilia, please head down to the Ha’ Penny tomorrow night. In past years, I’ve gotten an Boise State helmet autographed by then head coach Dan Hawkins, and a Buffalo Sabres hockey jersey autographed by the entire team. Even better, is that all proceeds go to a very good cause. If you can help AJ’s Angels, please do.  If you just want to donate, they will take PayPal donations through their website: AJsAngels.org
I’m going to post the auction item list that Adam has given me.

Item List Here

Ultimate Bronco Fan

Ok… one more sports related post. I wanted to post this… well, I guess it’s an essay… I wrote to win a contest the local sports talk radio show was running. Essentially, tell us why you’re the biggest Boise State fan, sorta thing. Well, that was right in my wheelhouse, so I stepped up and knocked it out of the park. For the record… yes, we are the team with the blue field. No, geese do not crash into it thinking its water. Yes, I love it. I ended up winning a Boise State swag package, Season review DVD, autographed Poster by the head coach, t-shirt, tickets to the spring game, etc etc etc.

Bear in mind, this was written when I was still happily married, so there will be references to that in there. I’m not going to edit it at all, cause it was true when I wrote it, April ’05. I have added a little explanation of some items for those of you out there who don’t have an intimate knowledge of the Broncos.



What demonstrates that I am a dedicated Boise State Bronco fan?Well, the possible answers to that question might well be endless.

It could be that my dad, my sister, my wife and I are all alumni, but many people could boast that.

Perhaps its because I have basketball season tickets, and did not miss a home game this season… which is saying something. My basketball experience began as young impressionable kid with Bolden, Childs, Usitello, Jones, and King and can be traced in a continuous line through Beard, Coker, Huleen, Jackson, Bergersen, Washington all the way to adulthood with Lane, Karl, Ellis, and Blackburn. When I hear KJ Mac in his radio day job, I keep expecting to hear him call, “Wwwwwwwwalking… ball to the BRONCOS!”

It could be that I have not missed a home Bronco football game in 13 years, and I’m only 31 years old. Maybe it’s because I proposed to my wife prior to the 2002 Fresno State football game, and both families gathered at the tailgate party to celebrate. The whole family and many friends tailgate at every home game, both pre and post game. All are welcome, and they always know where to find us, no invitation required. Something has to be said for the first people to roll into the stadium lot in the morning also being among the last people to call it a day and go home following another Boise State win. To us, a football game just isn’t a game. It is a state holiday that we celebrate with vigor 6 or 7 times a year. Go all out, or don’t go at all. You just know going in that you need to plan to be there for 12 hours or more.

Yes, I do consider Bobby Dye and Pokey Allen personal heroes.

Perhaps its because 3 of my top 10 all-time life moments involve Boise State Football:

  • Boise State ending “The Streak” (12 straight losses) against arch rival Idaho in 1994, 27-24 to win the Big Sky conference (watching Offensive Coordinator Al Borges among the fans hanging from the goalposts) and the ensuing playoff run culminating in playing in the 1-AA national championship game (Pokey would die of cancer just over a year later… I still remember the cancer he had: rhabdomyosarcoma)
  • 2001, Boise State 35, undefeated #8 and media darling Fresno State 30 (in their house on national television)
  • 2002, the aforementioned ‘engagement game’ Boise State 67, Fresno State 21 and being part of a Bronco Stadium record crowd (and the first one truly decked out head to toe in orange). Quarterback Ryan Dinwiddie coming back from a broken ankle, not playing the whole 1st quarter, but still ending the game 19-22, 406 yards and 5 touchdowns. Greatest performance I have ever seen live.

It could be that I cannot imagine hearing anybody but Paul J. as the voice of Boise State Athletics, and think it will be a sad sad day when he retires.

Maybe it’s the fact that half of my wardrobe is indeed orange.

But lets be honest, there are thousands of people in this valley who could say the same to any or all of these things. There is one aspect of my Boise State fandom that belongs to me and me alone. It is a part of family lore and is a favorite story that has been told many many times. Saturday, November 24th, 1973, Boise State was finishing its regular season schedule with an away game at UC Davis that afternoon. My dad, being an alumnus and fan, was listening to a young Paul J call the game in his first season on the job. My mom was very pregnant with me. In the middle of the 2nd quarter, Mom gives him those dreaded words, “Its time to GO”. Of course, he’s both upset and excited at the same time. I feel for the guy… the game is TIED for pete’s sake! Fortunately for all involved , he made the correct choice and grudgingly drove mom and me to the hospital, game on the whole way. Upon arrival, mom is admitted and dad is off to find a radio. As my mom is wheeled into the delivery room, the doctors are actually listening to the game while my mom is giving birth to me. I’ve always said, I’m not sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing that BSU won the game (32-31) since I was risking a spike or a fumble either way. Luckily, both the doctors and the Broncos held on. It is very likely, that the first words I heard in my life belong to that of Paul J. Schneider calling a Boise State football game.

It doesn’t get any more true Blue & Orange than that.

Go Broncos!


In the past 2 nights we have had 2 sport champions crowned. The Carolina Hurricanes won the Stanley Cup on Monday and Tuesday, the Miami Heat won the NBA championship. Really, I had very little invested in either series. Having not seen NHL hockey since 2004 and being at best a lukewarm fan of the NBA, I wasn’t real intrigued. I did, however, tune into the games from time to time, simply because they were broadcast in high def. I’m telling you, sports is what high def does best. There is no question. If you have yet to view such an event in HD, do not wait any longer. The picture is so good that even regular season baseball games are interesting.

Really, the only real good thing about these two sports ending the seasons means that we are that much closer to the real sports season… Football. Now, without the seemingly never ending NBA coverage to waste time with (and the cursory glance they gave to the NHL), SportsCenter can get back to their day jobs of covering the hell out of the NFL. Training camps open in roughly a month. Soon, they will begin breaking down every team, one per day, and analyze every aspect of the off season moves and the upcoming season. College players start practice a little after that and we start to talk about who is favored in the big rivalries… Michigan/Ohio State… Alabama/Auburn… The worlds largest outdoor cocktail party… the red river shootout… the civil war… Just typing it makes me excited.

This is also when Madden 2007 and NCAA Football 2007 video games are released. Anymore, the day Madden is released should be a holiday, simply because there are many many guys out there who will think of nothing but their upcoming virtual seasons for the entire day. I predict more than a few ‘sick’ days will be used that day.

Thus begins the time of year when I start to get a little giddy. I start researching for our fantasy football draft (not that it ever helps for I will end up injuring half my team anyway). I look at the weekend schedules of which college games will be on ABC or ESPN or FoxSports (always knowing that Notre Dame will be on NBC) and plan accordingly.

Mainly, it begins the season of the only team on the planet that I live and die by. Boise State Bronco Football. I will expound on this more in a future post, but growing up in geographically isolated Boise Idaho (seriously…look at a map) you don’t have any major pro teams close to devote yourself to. You’ve got one game in town, and growing up like I did, you learn to love it. At the time of this post, the season opener is 71 days, 9 hours, 2 minutes and 38 seconds away. Of course, this season will be a little different for me as the massive tailgate party of past years I will no longer be a part of. Just another thing I lost in the divorce. Those six or seven days were always in my top 10 favorite days all year. I’ll truly miss them. At least I’ll still be at the games, which is the main focus.

But, it’s still the greatest time of year. And its only 2 short months away. Bring it on.


I’m wondering if prison inmates in New Hampshire have any problems making license plates that read, “Live Free or Die”…

Another World Cup update. Apparently the Italians were upset with the U.S.’s use of war terminology when discussing their upcoming game. Oh give me a break. Welcome to the rough and tumble world of soccer *sarcasm*. Seriously… read that article. If you are a sports fan… check that… and AMERICAN sports fan, you will probably say, “yeah… and?..” Good thing the Italians don’t play in the NFL because their heads might explode. In case you haven’t noticed, many many sports terms have a war basis to them. Football has it’s “long bomb”, “shotgun”, “blitz”, “War Room” (for the draft), the “battery” (pitcher & catcher) in baseball, “Sudden Death”, “run and gun”, on and on and on… this is completely ignoring the fact that just about every athlete or coach interview is peppered with war analogies that they have become cliche. “go out there and battle”. Oh, and for the record, our friggin national anthem (played before EVERY sporting event) is about war as well. Get over it.

Man up, Italy. Pull your panties out of your ass and just play soccer. Quit crying. You’ll probably kick our ass anyway, so whats the point?

In other news, the apartment living room is nearing completion. I finally got some drapes up on the wall to cover the hideous mini-blinds. The room is really starting to come together. Now I just need a lamp to go behind the couch, some more stuff for the walls (maybe a big clock or a mirror or something), and a few more accent pieces (throw pillows, knick-knack stuff, candles, etc). I had the lady from the Merry Maids (yes, I’m getting a maid. I’m lazy. What’s it to ya?) come by yesterday to give me a quote on a bi-weekly cleaning deal, and she seemed really impressed with the apartment. She thought I had very good style, and wished her husband had the same. So I got that goin’ for me… which is nice. Maybe if I ever have a date, she’ll be impressed too…

Ok, US v. Italy is starting. Off to watch.

Another quick World Cup story

I just wanted to share this story with you people. For some reason, I just really like it.

My friend George was in Sweden in 1994 during the World Cup. One day, he was in a packed bar watching the US play on TV. Of course, he was the only American in the entire place. And, given that he was an American, he didn’t really give two shits about the World Cup. Mainly, this was just another time to be drinking. Not that George would drink or anything…

Since it was the US playing, you can pretty much guess what happened. We lost. George was most definitely ok with that, since he didn’t care in the first place. However, the entire rest of the bar didn’t share his laissez-faire attitude toward the whole thing. Upon the loss, every last person in the bar bought George a drink to console his loss. He had his entire table filled with every type of drink you could imagine. I have to believe that must have been quite a sight. Even though George is not exactly a light weight (ask him about New Years Eve, 2001) I seriously doubt he was able to put them all away. I am willing to bet, however, that he gave it a most valiant effort. George if you read this, feel free to correct any mistakes or add anything I left out. I do love that story.

That story alone makes me want to visit Sweden. Of course, the 6′ blonde women might also play a small roll in that.

In the same vein of a ‘drink covered table’ I have one other story. This was Halloween probably 1998ish. Myself, and friends Chris and John were going to a local bar for their halloween party. It was being promoted by a radio station, and thus, they were advertising $0.97 draft beers. Well, hell… you can’t beat that deal. So we costume up and head down there. We get there and get our first beers and start to have a good time. When it came time for round 2, the bartender told us, “we’re ending that promotion… it was only good until 10:00”. Astonished, but resigned to paying full price for beers, we grudgingly accepted. Except for John, that is. Being the quick-on-his-feet kinda guy that he is, he pulls out a $20 bill, slaps it on the bar and says, “It’s 4 minutes til 10… give me 20.” The bartender looks a little caught off guard. He turns to his manager, who replies, “the man ordered them… serve them up.” So John, Chris, and myself start a fire-brigade style line to move these 20 beers from the bar to our parking lot… er… table. I do love that mental image of all those beers lined up on the table. We proceeded to drink those for the rest of the night. Sure, they got a little warm, but hell… once you get 3 or 4 drafts in, you really don’t care anymore.

A tremendous night all the way around. By the way, my costume was ‘windblown man’. I had an overcoat that mom sewed a wire hanger in the hem to make it fly away from my body. I put a hanger in a tie, and had it flinging back over my shoulder. I taped various leaves, newspaper bits, and various other trash type items to my coat, and pants. One of my greatest costumes ever.

A Well Spent $47

I’ve had a decent couple days. Apart for the being awake all night Wed, but lets just pretend that didn’t happen. Beers with dad was fun Wednesday evening. It wasn’t too crazy hot outside yet, and we had a table. Those retired guys can get down to where the little festival is before the rest of us working shlubs can. I never used to go down there because standing in the sun, unable to move, holding your beer about 6 inches from your face cause that’s all the space you had. That would suck, so I never did it. However, I did notice that now that I’m single, that should be the place I hang out. Holy cow. Women all over the place. Of course, in my entire life I’ve never met a woman like that, but that’s beside the point.

Last night, I thought I would go out and watch the first game of the NBA finals. Have a beer and some dinner. Hang out. I went down to the Ha’ Penny again (see Roller Coaster). Whether anyone would be there or not, I didn’t care. I walk in and see Barry (the owner) and Coach Mac (local basketball coach). I sit with them and kinda shoot the shit a little bit and watch the beginning of the game. Had a beer. Another guy, John, (owner of the Big Easy) who is a friend of Barry and an acquaintance of mine, came by and they talked about going to get dinner. They invited me to come along, and I had originally turned them down, not wanting to feel like I was imposing. But then I realized that was stupid, and went with them. We went down to another sports pub Busters, to eat and watch the rest of the game. Had a good time. It was nice to be out with some new-old people. (if that makes sense)

A couple appetizers, 4 beers and 4 entrees later we were finishing up. Waitress comes by and I just give her my card and tell her I’ll get it. Of course, they all objected. But I held my ground and just said, “Hey guys, I’m flush now. I can get it. Who knew marriage was so expensive, huh?” Well, they were very appreciative. When I got the check, it was remarkably cheap. $47 something. Sheeeeit… that’s nothing. I don’t spend much money anymore. I’ve got well over a whole paycheck in my checking account, and payday is in 5 days again. Not to mention that there is whole other paycheck that rent will come out of (on the first). That never happened when I was married, or if it did, it was for a very short time until the recently written checks cleared. But I digress…. they thanked me profusely, “You didn’t have to do that.” etc. I guess they didn’t realize it was well worth 47 bones to me just be included with those guys.

Other thoughts.

World Cup starts today. Also starting today is the avalanche of “Soccer is loved in the rest of the world but not in the US” columns from every sports writer in America. I mean, honestly… that is the laziest topic they could possibly write about. Is there anyone on the planet that doesn’t know that already? Certainly every sports fan in America (a.k.a. the people who read said sports columns) already knows this.

However, I’m bucking the trend. I kinda like to watch soccer. But, its kinda like a slower hockey, so I can see the strategy behind it. Granted, there isn’t a ton of scoring. But, I figure as long as there are some good shots, saves, a couple yellow cards, and at least one guy who’s knocked down and spends 30 seconds rolling around holding his knee like it just exploded, and then proceeds to get up and stays in the game. Who couldn’t like that? Also, I’ve been playing a little video world cup soccer which always seems to pique my interest in something.

So, Go USA. If we get out of our group it will be a miracle.

It’s Early…

Talk about your bad nights. I spent all night tossing and turning. Here’s what happened. Last evening, I had a few beers with dad, then a full meal at mom and dad’s place. So, when I got home about 8:30, I was tired, full, and ready to go to bed. I watched a little TV until about 10, then hit the rack.

I made the mistake of thinking I was sufficiently tired enough that I didn’t need to take my Ambien to sleep. Apparently, that was a bad idea. I might have dozed off a couple times, but not for more than 15 to 20 minutes at a time. But I laid there for hours. Rolling around… under the covers, out of the covers, etc etc. Horrible.

Finally about 4:30, I decided to turn on the TV. I figured that was a little early to head to work, so I had to kill a little time. Watched for about 45 minutes (holy shit, half of the channels I have are friggin’ infomercials at 4 in the morning… have they no soul?) then decided to get up and head to work. I stopped for a mocha and a muffin on my way in, and was still here before 6.

In a perfect world, I would be able to leave work at 2pm… however, I completely forgot that I have a staff meeting at 2 today. So, there will be no going home early. Not to mention, that I have a meeting after work for my 2nd job. Today is gonna be a tough one.

Well, I’m going to try to not doze off. I think I’m the only one on the entire floor here at work. The lights in the building are all motion sensored to turn on, so the whole building is dark. Almost spooky. Plus, the lights around my desk never seem to turn on when I come in. I don’t know where the sensor is, so I’m standing here waving my arms like a schmuck trying to get some lights on. I managed to get one bank on, but the rest are still out.

Until later.