Why do I do it?

As I’m sitting here, I’ve spent most of the day wondering why in the hell do I torture myself. I can’t figure it out. No matter how much I try to distract myself, my brain seems to willfully and without my permission keep swinging back to her. All the time. It really seems like its been happening more and more often the past week or so. Nothing has changed that would cause it. But every little thing (and I mean little) I see or think about brings me right back. Also, I think I’ve dreampt about it & her every night this week. It’s horrible. I love waking up feeling absolutely demoralized. Great way to start the day.

For example, I have two paintings on my wall that match, they are stylized martini shots. Well, I looked at them today and my mind actually went this way: pictures >> martini >> I don’t really drink martinis >> I do like vodka tonics though >> I haven’t had a vodka tonic in a long time >> ingredients… vodka, tonic water, lime, ice and the act of making one >> Then I’m reminded of all the times she and I would travel and bring vodka tonics to have in the hotel room before we’d go out. Or the evening we had drinks in the Owyhee Plaza lounge, listening to the live piano, having a quiet conversation. Or any of 4 or 5 dozen things that could spring to mind. That whole process took all of about 4 seconds to get to the end, then I kept thinkin about that for the next 20 minutes.

Welcome to my hell.

One thing is for certain. I will never poo-poo another celebrity divorce again (or anyone’s divorce for that matter). I kinda related to Nick Lachey (Jessica Simpson’s ex) as we kind of got the same treatment… that was until I realized that he is 10x better looking than me, fighting off new women with a stick, and is about 1000x wealthier than me. That’s kinda where the comparisons end.

I guess I really wish I had been more of a participant in the decision. Had it been more of a mutual agreement, I think I’d be so much better off. One day, I’m buying a $600 diamond anniversary ring… literally the next day, I’m out on my ass with nothing. Why can’t I be more angry than sad? Shouldn’t I be?

I’m also finding myself wondering if she has had any second thoughts at all. Of course, this is another series of thoughts that get me ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE but I can’t stop them. Really, I guess I’m wondering what she’s thinking across the board. Not that it should matter on iota to me at all. I think I’m still a little shellshocked. I was listening to some music, and heard the song “You’ll Never Find Another Love” by Lou Rawls (sung by Michael Buble’). Pretty much sums up what I’m wondering. Doesn’t help matters, though. Everytime I hear a song that mentions marriage, love, breaking up, etc. etc. etc., I’m always reminded of the movie Shaun of the Dead… Shaun’s just been dumped by his girlfriend, and he and his roommate Ed are in the pub. The song “If You Leave Me Now” by Chicago comes on the jukebox, Ed turns around, “Who the ‘ell put this on?” Shaun replies, eyes teary and bloodshot, “It’s on random…” My whole life is kinda ‘on random’ right now. I think that is why I’m listening to a lot of celtic punk stuff… Dropkick Murphys, Flogging Molly, The Pogues. None of that stuff reminds me of her. (except for the occasional love song).

The days when I don’t have anything to do are the worst. If I have no social plans, no errands to run, no place I want to eat, no nothing I just kind of bounce around the apartment, just trying to kill time between work and bedtime. I guess being ‘your own man’ again is just a big adjustment. When you saw someone every day of your life for 4 years, and made all the plans together its just a tough adjustment.

Enough belly-achin for tonight.

2 Replies to “Why do I do it?”

  1. Why do you do it? Phantom Pains, brother, phantom pains. (You was the bomb in Phantoms, yo!)

    Longing for the sip of water as you lay dying in the desert heat… praying to a Christian god while being eaten alive by lions in the areans of Rome… screaming for your mother while your guts are hanging out on the beaches of Iwo Jima… having regrets about love lost. Of the list, the love lost is the hardest to come to grips with because you both are still living. If she died in a fiery plane crash, WHAM, it’s over and you can grieve. She hands you walking papers and you are left with 1.) a severed limb where something used to be and 2.) a feeling of low self worth.

    I will never speak ill of G, I will never say “Just get over it” and I will never whisper sweet nothings into your ear. However, I will ask you some fundimental questions.

    Would you go back to the hell that your life was? i.e. – being ruled over by a dominating, passive-agressive in-law clan? – feeling the outsider? – being compelled to do little jobs as asked from a member of the family down the chain of command and through your wife with no word of thanks or acknowledgement of your worth?

    I really liked your Darin comparison: You were the Husband, not Jason.

    But these things mean nothing when you have memories of good times and laughs and tender moments. You stand in the grocery store aisle with a 1,000 yard stare as someone behind the meat counter asks for the 3rd time if you have been helped. Cars honk at you as you sit at a green light with drifting thoughts of the last time you two were at this intersection.

    There is no magic pixie wand with fairy dust to make this shit go way. The guy who said “Time heals all wounds” must have meant gun shot wounds cuz this shit sticks with you for a long ass time.

    But fear not, my brother, for your friends and family are with you.

    Now go get a cat, damnit. You have the food, litter, and toys. No excuses. Go.

  2. George should get paid by the hour for that. That’s some good stuff there. I suspect that you’ll go through periods where your load is going to seem to lighten, when you’ll feel like, “hey maybe I can do this; it doesn’t hurt so bad today.” And then for no reason you’ll wake up one day missing her and you’ll be in a tailspin again. And you’ll cycle through until the gap between the highs and lows eventually levels out. Then you will know, again, who Jason is without G; a guy you haven’t seen for a while. Meanwhile you know we love you. Hang on.

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