Category: Divorce

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Four Whole Years

What a difference 4 years can make.

On April 3rd, 2006 my life was irrevocably changed.  Twas that day what I now call “previous life” ended and the new life began.  To lose the euphemisms, that was the day I was told I was getting divorced.  I still remember that fateful day like it was yesterday.  I’m sure part of that day will always be with me.  Especially since we are all the sum of our experiences.  I am no different.  Man, at the time, it suuuuucked.

The thing is, just about every single part of my life is so much better now.  When before I was surviving, now I would say I’m thriving.  I love my wife.  I love my house.  I love my dog.  I love my job.  If you were to ask me what I had to complain about, I’d have to think about it long and hard, then I would come up with some weak-ass complaint about my garage door opener not working very well.  Seriously.  I don’t think I could be more content in life than I am now.  Jess and I are so compatible and are looking forward to life’s changes together.  It is fantastic.

With all that being the case, I really can’t hold a grudge any more.  Granted, I haven’t seen the ex since February ’07, which still amazes me since Boise is NOT that big of a place.  To be perfectly honest, she did me a gigantic favor. At this point, my only regrets are all of the possessions that “didn’t make the cut”, but even those at this point are pretty minor and have been replaced.

It’s a good feeling to be completely comfortable if another bump-in-to was  to happen.  I wouldn’t freak out.  I’m quite certain that it wouldn’t ruin my day.  I’d be willing to bet that I would be able to even have a conversation were she open to such a thing.

Basically the point of this post is the following: no matter how bad you think a certain situation is, things will end up better than you expect.  I have always been an optimist and 4 years ago was a real test of that.  But I came out way stronger, smarter and happier on the back end.

I hope she has even a fraction of the happiness I have now.

Onward and upward.

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This Day In History

Many things have happened over the years on April 3rd. You may remember this as the day the Pony Express was created. Or perhaps the day the US Coast Guard was created (then the Revenue Marine Service). Today is also the birthday of both Wayne Newton and Tony Orlando (how frightening is that?), as well as Marlon Brando, Eddie Murphy, and Alec Baldwin.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot… one year ago today was the day. I usually refer to it as ‘Black Monday‘.

Frankly, I had almost forgotten. About a month ago, I knew it was coming up and was kinda dreading it. But not that it’s here, it is almost a non event.

Granted, that day, and the following month was just about as bad as anything I’ve ever experienced. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. I think I’m still feeling the aftershocks from that evening. Of course, I can remember it like it was yesterday, and in many ways, it feels much closer than a year ago.

However, that being said, I’m not near as down today as I thought I would be. I’m sure it has something to do with the fact that I’m in a relationship with Jess and we’re doing good. I feel like myself around her. It’s kinda amazing that my goofiness has come back. I didn’t realize that was kinda whipped out of me near the end. But now, I’m back to making sarcastic remarks, making fun of myself, laughing, singing. I’m sure Jess could tell you just how dumb I can be.

So, I guess I felt like I should put something in this space about this day, since that day was the impetus for starting this whole thing. I do love having a blog. I love writing. I love having you folks out there, all 6 of you, read what I write.

And since I don’t have much more to say about that, I’ll just leave it now. I feel good. I still regret what happened and wish it hadn’t, but there ain’t a damn thing I can do about that now. Onward and upward.

And, just because, behold the Meatcake…

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The Bump In-To

It was inevitable. Remarkable that it hadn’t happened sooner, really. It finally happened. The Bump In-To. I wouldn’t say I was dreading it, since it hadn’t happened for so long. But now that I have run into her, I can say it wasn’t something I enjoyed.

This evening my friend Barry was apparently having an open house type party for his new bar/restaurant. His old place was where we always used to go together, but since Barry had sold it, I hadn’t been back more than once. I haven’t actually spoken to Barry in a while, but I heard through the grapevine that his place was opening this week.

Anyway, Jess and I went to the Boise State basketball game tonight which, by the way, was terrible. We were playing some horrible NAIA team and we put in a piss poor effort. So, after the game, I thought we might swing by to the new joint to see if it was, indeed, open.

We got out there and sure enough, there were people inside. We go inside just to take a peek around. It is a beautiful place. It was just like old times… I saw 10 or 12 familiar faces from the old Ha’ Penny days. With Barry not having a joint open, all these people spread out all over town for the past 6 months. But now that he’s back in business, the gathering place is also back.

We saw the sushi area, and walked into the bar. Everything was great. I did see the husband of one of G’s friends and talked to him for a sec, but it still didn’t register that she would be there. The lesson, as always, is I’m a dumbass.

We headed upstairs to look at the balcony and party room. Boom. There she was. Not 10 feet away. We saw each other and I think I waved like a jackass. She turned away pretty quickly. I didn’t approach and we didn’t speak. Jess and I stood around for a few moments as the waitress tried to push some of the remaining buffet items on us.

Then we made a graceful exit. Well… as graceful as could be expected.

It’s remarkable. It was so simple. So innocuous. And of course, it set my brain afire. I can honestly say that there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about something related to her, the relationship, the break up, etc. It has been 10 months since ‘black monday’. Sometimes it feels like 2 years, sometimes it feels like 2 weeks.

In all actuality, this crossing of paths doesn’t really change anything. Since it’s not like I’ve successfully put it out of my mind or anything, I’ve got nothing to lose having seen her again. Whether that is healthy or not remains to be seen.

I will say this. I have been thinking lately. I remember thinking that there could be nothing worse than the death of a spouse. That had to be just about as horrible as it could get. Well, I can think of one thing. How about being rejected by a spouse and being stripped of just about everything you’ve got? Wife, best friend, house, friends, family, dogs, and possessions too numerous to count. When a spouse dies in a car accident or something you’re really only out the first two.

Having watched a little of the Westminster Dog Show this week, I still miss the boys terribly. Coming home to Frank and Dino every day was just the best. Oh well…

Just another day In The World.

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My Christmas

I was going to write a post about the first divorced Christmas and how it sucked. How I had no decorations. How the memories were flowing around. How it was tough to get Christmas cards from people wishing me a much better 2007 (and making me remember how shitty this year actually was).

But, I’m not going to.

Instead, I’m going to write about my Christmas, what I got, what I did and leave it at that. None of you are stupid. You all know or can imagine that a divorced Christmas is neither easy nor fun. So why dwell on it?

So here goes.

Christmas eve was nice. Jess and I went to my parents for dinner before mass. It was a low key sort of deal. Pork tenderloin, roasted potatoes, salad. I did have a couple beers and a glass or two of wine. Just to relax. Of course, once I got to mass, those “relaxing agents” tended to work against me.

It was rather warm in the church and we were there 40 minutes early. So, there was a lot of sitting and waiting. Combine the drinks with the warmth and the soft Christmas music playing and I was hard pressed to not fall asleep. The yawn machine was in full effect.

The actual service was really nice. For one, it wasn’t at midnight, so that was a plus. Not to mention, that it wasn’t the “childeren’s” service either, so there weren’t a ton of screaming kids. The priest who said mass is an old favorite of mine from when I went to church in college. He was assigned to the Vatican for a while but apparently is now back. He is the type of guy who will slap kids ‘five’ as he’s walking down the aisle. Plus, he is a great speaker. So, it was nice all the way around.

After church, Jess and I went to her parents house where her family was getting together for drinks. Ironically enough, her parents live exactly 1 block away from where I used to live when married. Needless to say, its not always easy to be in that neck of the woods, but once we were in the house I was ok. We sat around, shot the shit, and had some more booze. Eventually, we broke out the Pictionary and Jess and I proceeded to wipe the floor with the rest of them. The game only ended when Goldy (Jess’s lab) somehow escaped the yard and was found after a short search munching on the neighbors trash. It was almost midnight and so we called it a night.

We spent Christmas day with our respective families. My family didn’t start the festivities until 10:30, so I had plenty of time to make it to my parents house. I stopped at Starbucks for a peppermint mocha and took my sweet time getting over there. I always find it interesting to be out on the streets when they are so empty.

Once I got there, we had brunch and chatted. It was interesting that we have apparently all grown up enough that nobody was chomping at the bit to get to the goods. Zach, my nephew, is only 2 and a half, so he didn’t have the pull to get us going earlier. Besides, he had already opened presents at his house! Speaking of Zach, he is the airplane freak of the world. He has dozens and dozens of “ae-panes”. The most fun ones are the ones that make a tremendous racket. (Sarcasm there…) He spent the day playing with all his new ones. He is obsessed.

So, after a leisurely meal, we got the show on the road. Stockings first. A couple years ago, we decided to split the stocking duties amongst the group. Each person in the family chooses a category from a hat, and buys stuffers for everyone to fit that theme. Mine was ‘sports & games’, so I got travel board and card games, and Boise State basketball tickets for my sis’s family. I got the usual gadgets, movie tickets, candy, and beef stick… all the things I like.

Then, we got into the gifts, proper. I got the one thing I really wanted, which was a Kitchenaid stand mixer. I like to cook, and when I had access to one of these devices (in the previous life) I really liked it. So, that was what I wanted. I got one in black. It is really cool, and works like a champ. We broke it out to make the mashed potatoes for Christmas dinner!

I also got all the kitchenaid accouterments (scraper, bowl, wisk, etc.). I also got a original one of a kind painting from my sis the artist to go in my bedroom. Her fiancee made the frame for it. It is very cool. From my nephew, I got a Boise State 3′ x 5′ flag (the only BSU item I received, remarkably enough). The funniest gift I got was the “Holiday 5 Pack”… which if you haven’t seen the commercial is a 6 pack of Heineken wrapped up with one missing. Classic.

Spent the rest of the day eating, drinking and generally feeling exhausted. I did break up the day by whipping my sister at Othello (the board game) twice in a row. I demoralized her to the point where she was looking to play my other sister to redeem herself. So that was fun.

Dinner was amazing. Beef tenderloin which was cooked to perfection. Vast expanses of medium rare in the middle. Unbelievable. It was so juicy and tender, you could literally cut it with the fork.

By the time dinner was over, I was absolutely spent. Exhausted. Done. Kaput. I came home and hauled my loot up to my apartment. I will admit that it was a little tough coming home to an empty place on Christmas night. But, what can ya do?

That was my Christmas in a nutshell. Now, I’m just getting ready for my adventure to Phoenix and the Fiesta Bowl. Keep watching this space, for I will have a number of stories to tell upon my return Jan 2nd.

Happy New Year, everyone.

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Boise State Basketball vs. Western Oregon – Thursday

Ok… this game wasn’t close. It wasn’t even close to close. Granted, it was only an exhibition, but this was ridiculous. Final score of 103-62 and it was worse than that. Western Oregon looked like a bad high school team. I mean, they turned the ball over on their first 5 possessions. Shot 34% for the game. Ugh. Just ugly basketball.

Broncos did some nice things. Hit some 3’s. Got some solid, back to the basket, legitimate post play. That was nice to see. Been a while since we’ve had anyone inside who could do the work. This Matt Nelson kid is the real deal.

Crowd was pathetic. Again, it was an exhibition on a week night and was the day after a big football game, but seriously… there had to be 1,500 people there. Quiet. No students except for a group of about 20 who were there making noise. Hopefully once the regular season rolls around, we’ll have a few more people showing up. See the pics. (sorry for the quality, cell phone camera)

Boise State v. Western Oregon Boise State v. Western Oregon

However, to paraphrase and misquote Hamlet, the play’s not the thing. This game marked the first time since d-day that I was in the same building with the ex and all of the ex-laws (that sorta sounds like some superheroes). Well, not counting 30,000 seat Bronco Stadium. I really didn’t know what to expect. I mean, its a basketball arena. My new seats are across the court from them all, so I can’t help but see them when the play is in the near end of the court. It was tough seeing her… it was tough seeing everyone. It is easy to feel singled out when you see them all together in the exact same ways you were a part of not long ago. Dredges up a lot of memories. The problem is I don’t have any animosity towards them. Her included. I guess I should, but I don’t. Frankly, I guess you could say that I do miss and still care about them and hope they are all doing well. God, that sounds like a total wuss-out position, but what can I tell you? I really am a sensitive guy. *shrug*

However, this doesn’t mean I really want to interact with any of them. One thing is painfully clear. Unless I take extreme measures, there is absolutely no way I’m going to make it through the season without coming in contact with one or more of them. Impossible. I guess I’ll just jump off that bridge when I get to it.
Oh well… such is life on the outside.

At least tonight is hockey. None of them will be there. Let’s drop the puck, it’s time to go!

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Game one in the books

Well, game one of the back-to-being-single era is done. Boise State won big, which was good. But I would be completely lying if I said I wasn’t a little sad. I’ve told everyone a thousand times (and written it here) just how much I loved tailgating. Frankly, I really do miss it. While the game is going, it is easy to be distracted and enjoy it. But as I was walking to the stadium (and walking back to my car after), I was bummed out. I knew football season would be hard, so I was expecting it, but that doesn’t make it fun.

I had a thought, I guess I kinda equate tailgating to my form of camping. I enjoyed everything about it. From cooking the day before, to loading up the car. Setting up when you get there and tearing down when you leave. I looked at none of it as a hassle. I like to think I brought something to the table with those events, but now I can’t be sure. Who knows. Maybe I was just a pain all the way around.

I do kinda wish my seats were somewhere else. I’m directly across the stadium from where I used, and they still all sit. As much as I didn’t want too, I did take a peek at them occasionally. Even if it was from 80 yards away through binoculars. I would also be lying if I said I didn’t miss all of them. Even her. Especially her, I guess I should say. Those were just some really good times. And to have it all gone in the blink of an eye is still tough to deal with. I frankly think that home football games will be harder than the actual impending holidays. Just hard to describe.

And yes, as I entered the stadium, I did glance over at the tailgate spot. Granted, I was a ways away, but it looked like business as usual. Not sure what I expected it to look like, but still… Of course, my mind was working on ways to fix my situation and unfortunately, there aren’t many options. Unless I meet some people who are already doing it up, I won’t be able to put something together myself. Even if I could get a parking pass in the stadium, it would be a paltry knockoff. I guess I’ll just have to live with the disappointment for a while.

It was nice to sit with family. I do enjoy them. But its just not the same as sitting with your wife. I guess thats the bottom line. Perhaps the football deal is just a symptom of the actual problem. Walking back to the car alone just sort of drove that home.
Oh well… onward and upward I suppose…

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Just when I thought I was out…

“Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.”
– Michael Corleone, Godfather III

Not that I thought I was in the clear, mind you, but this goddamn see-saw is making me crazy. Maybe I’ll have a good couple days. Maybe I feel invigorated and ready to move on. Then out of nowhere, everything slaps me upside the head again. I really don’t have anything new to add to this diatribe I’ve been spewing for damn near 4 months. If you want to know how I feel, just go back a few posts and you’ll know. The more things change, the more they stay the same… literally.

A couple things I would like to know. Why does my stomach still do summersaults when something reminds me of her? For example… I’m working on the AJsAngels.org website yesterday. I’m making photo galleries of their auction events. Not even thinking, I open the images from the 2005 event. Of course, I see her in a picture, just half of her face in profile, across the room and somehow it feels like its just all happened again. I’m beginning to wonder if that is EVER going to stop happening. I don’t know if that is the reason I was awake at 3:20 this morning or not. I have been sleeping pretty well lately. Perhaps this morning will be an anomaly.

Could be a couple other reasons recently though… I’ve recently had the first question about her from someone who hadn’t heard. I knew it was coming sooner or later. Part of me is surprised it took as long as it did, but then again, I don’t see many different people. I still hate actually having to say it. Having to admit I was thrown out on my ass. Of course, you try to play it off very nonchalant, but inside your brain starts talking to you. Once it gets going, I have a very hard time stopping it. Going to the gym sometimes helps, but as soon as I get back to the apartment it will come back. I’ve really made an effort to eliminate things that remind me of her. For example, I’ve bought a bunch of new shirts and thrown out stuff that reminds me. Not everything yet, but a little at a time. Funnily enough, that does help. This is how messed up my brain is. In the novel I’m reading a character goes to a restaurant and orders a glass of wine. The author mentions the winery, Silver Oak, which I instantly remember that we had at a family dinner at Crane Creek one evening. And as was said on The Simpsons, “And here come the pretzels!” (George, that’s for you). I sometimes wish I had a much worse memory. It truly infuriates me to know end that I let this stuff get to me.

Strangely enough, the movie Clerks 2 also reminded me, but I’m going to write my review of that one shortly.

Dreams are still happening too. Have yet to think of a way to combat that little problem. Frontal lobotomy, perhaps?

Why do we seem to sometimes enjoy making our selves miserable? I ask because I heard a song the other day and have listened to it 5 or 6 times since. The song “Home” by Michael Buble. The song is actually about a guy who is on the road for an extended period and just wants to get home. My interpretation, of course, is I just wish this was all over and I could go back ‘home’. Back to the way things were. Back to the house, the dogs, to everything down to the littlest of things. (you can hear the song from his homepage… see the controls in the upper right part of the page: http://www.michaelbuble.com/) Sometimes I just really hate my apartment. Hate starting over at 32. Hate the whole bloody process.

I’ve recently broken out a bunch of albums that I listened the hell out of in the early to mid 90’s. Stuff I haven’t heard in years. Its nice to be reminded of things that were PRE-divorce for a change. Even though I was going to school full time with no end in sight, working full time for peanuts washing cars and delivering pizzas, and had no girlfriend for years, at this point, those are the plesant memories. Never thought I’d be saying that…

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Why do I do it?

As I’m sitting here, I’ve spent most of the day wondering why in the hell do I torture myself. I can’t figure it out. No matter how much I try to distract myself, my brain seems to willfully and without my permission keep swinging back to her. All the time. It really seems like its been happening more and more often the past week or so. Nothing has changed that would cause it. But every little thing (and I mean little) I see or think about brings me right back. Also, I think I’ve dreampt about it & her every night this week. It’s horrible. I love waking up feeling absolutely demoralized. Great way to start the day.

For example, I have two paintings on my wall that match, they are stylized martini shots. Well, I looked at them today and my mind actually went this way: pictures >> martini >> I don’t really drink martinis >> I do like vodka tonics though >> I haven’t had a vodka tonic in a long time >> ingredients… vodka, tonic water, lime, ice and the act of making one >> Then I’m reminded of all the times she and I would travel and bring vodka tonics to have in the hotel room before we’d go out. Or the evening we had drinks in the Owyhee Plaza lounge, listening to the live piano, having a quiet conversation. Or any of 4 or 5 dozen things that could spring to mind. That whole process took all of about 4 seconds to get to the end, then I kept thinkin about that for the next 20 minutes.

Welcome to my hell.

One thing is for certain. I will never poo-poo another celebrity divorce again (or anyone’s divorce for that matter). I kinda related to Nick Lachey (Jessica Simpson’s ex) as we kind of got the same treatment… that was until I realized that he is 10x better looking than me, fighting off new women with a stick, and is about 1000x wealthier than me. That’s kinda where the comparisons end.

I guess I really wish I had been more of a participant in the decision. Had it been more of a mutual agreement, I think I’d be so much better off. One day, I’m buying a $600 diamond anniversary ring… literally the next day, I’m out on my ass with nothing. Why can’t I be more angry than sad? Shouldn’t I be?

I’m also finding myself wondering if she has had any second thoughts at all. Of course, this is another series of thoughts that get me ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE but I can’t stop them. Really, I guess I’m wondering what she’s thinking across the board. Not that it should matter on iota to me at all. I think I’m still a little shellshocked. I was listening to some music, and heard the song “You’ll Never Find Another Love” by Lou Rawls (sung by Michael Buble’). Pretty much sums up what I’m wondering. Doesn’t help matters, though. Everytime I hear a song that mentions marriage, love, breaking up, etc. etc. etc., I’m always reminded of the movie Shaun of the Dead… Shaun’s just been dumped by his girlfriend, and he and his roommate Ed are in the pub. The song “If You Leave Me Now” by Chicago comes on the jukebox, Ed turns around, “Who the ‘ell put this on?” Shaun replies, eyes teary and bloodshot, “It’s on random…” My whole life is kinda ‘on random’ right now. I think that is why I’m listening to a lot of celtic punk stuff… Dropkick Murphys, Flogging Molly, The Pogues. None of that stuff reminds me of her. (except for the occasional love song).

The days when I don’t have anything to do are the worst. If I have no social plans, no errands to run, no place I want to eat, no nothing I just kind of bounce around the apartment, just trying to kill time between work and bedtime. I guess being ‘your own man’ again is just a big adjustment. When you saw someone every day of your life for 4 years, and made all the plans together its just a tough adjustment.

Enough belly-achin for tonight.

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No Real Post

I don’t have a real post today. I just felt like putting a few more pictures of the boys out there. Thats all.

Synchronized Napping, were it a dog olympic event, you’re looking at the gold medal champions.

Frank… looking rather supplicant.

Dino… Slice of sunlight and chew toy… thats all I need.

Personally… I think they probably miss each other too…

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How’m I doin?

I suppose I should write about how I’ve been doing lately since I haven’t done an update like that in a while. Here goes.

I would have to say that things have improved, but not a whole lot. In my down time I still find myself thinking about everything and it still bums me out. You know what really sucks? When you work hard all day to try and not think about it, then when you sleep that night you have a dream about the her, the divorce, the loss, whatever. Nothing like starting your day off on a really positive note. I used to really enjoy the fact that I could very often remember my dreams. Now… not so much… Speaking of sleeping, this hasn’t been a banner week so far. Between bad dreams and more ‘waking up super early’ (yesterday morning… I was awake at 3am, and had to try and kill time before going to work at 6.) I’ve been working out like my doctor suggested, but it doesn’t seem to be helping lately.

What I’ve noticed lately is that I am now mired in the ‘missing her’ state. I’m not angry. I don’t miss all the ancillary crap that went along with everything. I just simply miss her. No matter what I do, I can’t seem to shake that. I can distract myself for a little while, but usually not very long. Its all the little stuff I miss. And there is always something to remind me. Hearing a co-worker talking about a ‘rum punch’ (our last summer party, the rum punch was flowing) or the headline “Man Shot in Vegas Airport” (of all things… I can remember our February trip like it was yesterday. Literally.). I found the ticket stub for the movie ‘Inside Man’… we saw that 10 days before the split. I’m surrounded by it all. We loved the HBO show ‘Deadwood’. Now, watching it by myself just isn’t the same. I see advertisements for events or places that we would have totally enjoyed. I haven’t fully trained my brain either, because when I see or hear about things, for the slightest of split seconds I think “hey, we should totally do that!” … before I catch myself. I think its instinctual. Gonna be tough to shake. There are lots of things that I would like to do, but no matter what you try, you just can’t make it work when you’re single. Those of you who are married (and at this point, I think its all of my regular readers) know what I’m talking about. Family and friends are great. And they’re great to do certain things with. But you can’t do everything. George, I love you man, but I seriously doubt we would go to see Michael Buble’ together.

The other day, I was listening to some Sinatra which I haven’t done in a long time. Love songs haven’t really been what I’m into lately. Anyway, of my 20 or so albums, I picked one out at random and started listening. I was really enjoying it. I had forgotten just how much I enjoy his music. Then, the wheels came off the wagon. The song “Our Love is Here to Stay” came on, and I knew it in the first 3 notes. (it was like hell’s version of ‘Name That Tune’… “I can ruin my entire day in 3 notes, Beelzebub!”) Most of you know that was our wedding theme. I couldn’t get that song off fast enough to not put a black cloud over the rest of my day. I really hate that crap like that still gets me. It’s been almost 3 months and there is no end in sight.

I also find myself really missing the boys. Anyone who knows me knows I’m a total animal person. When I’m at someone’s house and their dog is a little too excited or too friendly, they are usually trying to restrain the dog or get him from the room… I’d rather have the exact opposite. Let the 85lbs lab sit on my lap. Give me kisses. Beg for pets. I love it. That’s what I miss from my guys Frank and Dino. Boy, did they love their dad. They would get so wound up when I got home from work. Running around the house at mach 2. I couldn’t work on the computer or watch TV without BOTH of them wanting to be on my lap, preferably burrowed into a blanket of some sort. Wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer (you don’t know how skilled you are until you can learn to type at a desk with two 12lbs. daschunds in your lap). When I hear a doorbell on TV, part of me still waits for the inevitable spastic barking that would ensue. Dog lovers know what I’m talking about. There are reasons you love your dogs and they’re far too many to list. Those are all the things I miss. Even when they were a pain in the ass. Other peoples dogs are great… Syd & Gus… Josie… Sadie… Otis (T-Bone)… but they’re not mine… and mine are gone.

People have told me to get a cat. I like cats well enough… like I said, I’m an animal lover. But as I’m looking at my apartment the thing is just so small. I would need to get one of those automatic litter scooping litter boxes because I’m a lazy S.O.B and don’t want to deal with it. But, there is nowhere in my entire place it would fit. I know that sounds like such a stupid reason to not get one… maybe its just an excuse I’m using to myself. I dunno.

Sometimes I really can’t help but marvel at everything I lost. I know I’ve said it before and don’t want to sound like I’m whining… but goddamn…

I guess I have to live with this:

“Everything can be taken from a man but the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way. – Victor Frankl

I’m trying, Victor… I’m trying.