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Advantages?

Enough belly-achin’ from me lately. I’ve thought up a few advantages to my current situation. Some of these might be stretches, but give me a break, huh?

Toilet paper lasts forever. Seriously, I think I use a roll a month. I purchased one pack (6 or 8 rolls) when I moved into my apartment 4 months ago, and I still have 2 rolls left. Used to burn through that stuff like crazy. Advantage?… perhaps.

I have lost so much weight, every single pair of pants and shorts I own can be pulled off without unbuttoning or unzipping. I guess I need to start updating the old wardrobe.

One thing I finally realized this morning. For the past couple months I have, on average, been getting to work much earlier than I ever did while married. I could never figure out why I can just pop out of bed and go to work all of a sudden. Before, I had to snooze a dozen times before finally rolling out of bed. I think the reason is that I now know exactly what I have to do on any given day. I don’t have to try to get as much sleep as I can because I’ve got a dozen things happening. Being the introverted type, one has to conserve energy to spend when out with people. (as an aside, I read the book The Introvert Advantage, and never before has a book made so much sense to me. Want to know why I am how I am, that book explains it. Amazing) Well, that was just about every day for me. Now, I’m spending so much time alone which recharges my batteries, that I have an abundance of energy. I’ve been working out almost every day. Apart from the depression, I physically feel good. I guess I didn’t know just how draining that life was for me. I cannot tell you just how much I would look forward to those rare days when G would be doing something and I was home alone. They were rare, but did I love them. Now, that’s my whole life. If anything, the pendulum might have swung a little to far the other way, but that can be fixed, hopefully.

I’m still getting used to having every day be mine, but I’m learning to enjoy it. If I want to watch a movie? Do it. Want to spend 4 straight hours playing xbox? Do it. Need to get some work done? Do it whenever you want. Want to spend a couple of bucks on something? I don’t have to try to explain and justify it to anyone. Granted, its not like she would shoot me down for stuff, but I would make myself feel guilty for some reason if I wanted to buy some software or something. I do kinda wish I had a single friend in the same boat who could do the same sorts of things. Weekend in Seattle. Quick trip to Vegas. I’m not saying my friends are all whipped or anything, but they do have wives they have to compromise with. I won’t begrudge anyone that. But still…

Speaking of which… marriage is expensive. Especially when she wasn’t really pulling in much cash working part time. I have a lot more cash in my pocket these days. I haven’t really changed how I live that much… so I guess we can sorta figure out who was the expensive one, eh?

I can’t say that I don’t wish I still owned a house. Apartment life sucks. But, at least I have a respite from all the related rigmarole. No lawn maintenance. No weeding flower beds. I really have never enjoyed gardening and the like. So, not having to do it now is nice. It wasn’t just the ‘doing it’ that sucked… it was the hanging over your head that it had to be done.

I will say that overall, life is much simpler these days. I’m sure there are other advantages, but I haven’t run across them yet. Plus, its still a debate on whether the pros are outweighing the cons for me yet.

On another note, I’ve been listening to ESPN Radio this morning. They are having the annual Jimmy V Cancer Foundation auction. Up for auction this hour is a package of a Notre Dame football game, complete with a lunch with Charlie Weiss (head coach), airfare, hotel, game tickets, pep rally, etc etc etc. I know this thing will probably go for $20,000 or something (its a national radio show) but if I had unlimited funds, I would buy that auction item. That sounds like so much fun, I can’t even describe it. The show host, Colin Cowherd, has said something that I totally believe in. “Life is about experiences”. It’s true. When you’re 90, you are not going to remember work. You’re going to remember the time you went to Hawaii. Going to a Michigan vs. Notre Dame football game. Seeing autumn in New England. Drinks in a pub in Ireland. The time your raft went over the waterfall. Experiences. There are a number of experiences I still want to have. Hopefully, I’ll find someone to have those with. Many experiences are far better with someone to share it with.

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What a day

What an incredibly craptacular day. I get to work this morning and everything is fine. That is until I remember that there is another of those damn ‘product fairs’ or whatever they are in my building about 10 feet from my cube. A couple of hundred people talking loudly, peeping over my wall (I’m the last cube by the entrance), wandering around. Presently, there are some Shakespearean actors doing some sort of deal on a stage. What it is, I can’t hear over the din. They have also co-opted the coffee/break area for this deal. They’ve got refreshments and snacks and whatnot for these people. Apparently, this fair isn’t even for local employees… the signs I’ve seen reference people coming from a local hotel (conference style)… lots of parking signs in the lot outside… Lord knows they wouldn’t spend money on their boring old regular employees. *sigh*

I’m so lucky to sit where I do. There is no one in the entire building closer to this circus than I am.

But that is not the best part of my day. About 10:30 this morning, I get an instant message from another developer wondering if there is something wrong with our server. I was just working on it, so I don’t think so, but I go out and check again. Hmmmm… that website isn’t coming up. Try a different one. Nope… not that one either. Well, hell… something is wrong with the server. Seeing as my entire job consists of creating and editing content on this one server, there is not much I can do. I contact the server admin and he does a quick check. I’m hoping he just has to restart it and we’ll be back in business. Well, he can’t get parts of the server to respond. That is not a good thing. Then he tells me, “ooo… looks like the entire E:\ drive is gone”. Well, that is where all 10 gigabytes of our websites live. He drops everything and goes into the server room. When he gets there, IT is already there working on the problem. Apparently, the disk array in the server failed. Took everything with it.

They give him an ETA of “about an hour, probably”. Well, it is now 4 hours later, and we’re still waiting. The last update I’ve gotten (20 minutes ago), they’ve replaced the failed hardware and are now restoring from a backup. Restoring 10 gigs from backup is going to take a long time. This whole day is shot in the ass.

The best part is that since the server has gone down, I have fielded about instant messages from 25 different people, 9 emails, and 3 phone calls… all asking me the exact same question. “Something wrong with the server?”. I relay to them the same info I’ve gotten. It’s all I can do. So, besides answering the same question over and over, there has been nothing I could do today. Twiddling my thumbs. Bored out of my skull. Can’t escape the throngs and work from home due to the server being down and I have to notify everyone when it comes back up. Just a real banner day all around.

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Why do I do it?

As I’m sitting here, I’ve spent most of the day wondering why in the hell do I torture myself. I can’t figure it out. No matter how much I try to distract myself, my brain seems to willfully and without my permission keep swinging back to her. All the time. It really seems like its been happening more and more often the past week or so. Nothing has changed that would cause it. But every little thing (and I mean little) I see or think about brings me right back. Also, I think I’ve dreampt about it & her every night this week. It’s horrible. I love waking up feeling absolutely demoralized. Great way to start the day.

For example, I have two paintings on my wall that match, they are stylized martini shots. Well, I looked at them today and my mind actually went this way: pictures >> martini >> I don’t really drink martinis >> I do like vodka tonics though >> I haven’t had a vodka tonic in a long time >> ingredients… vodka, tonic water, lime, ice and the act of making one >> Then I’m reminded of all the times she and I would travel and bring vodka tonics to have in the hotel room before we’d go out. Or the evening we had drinks in the Owyhee Plaza lounge, listening to the live piano, having a quiet conversation. Or any of 4 or 5 dozen things that could spring to mind. That whole process took all of about 4 seconds to get to the end, then I kept thinkin about that for the next 20 minutes.

Welcome to my hell.

One thing is for certain. I will never poo-poo another celebrity divorce again (or anyone’s divorce for that matter). I kinda related to Nick Lachey (Jessica Simpson’s ex) as we kind of got the same treatment… that was until I realized that he is 10x better looking than me, fighting off new women with a stick, and is about 1000x wealthier than me. That’s kinda where the comparisons end.

I guess I really wish I had been more of a participant in the decision. Had it been more of a mutual agreement, I think I’d be so much better off. One day, I’m buying a $600 diamond anniversary ring… literally the next day, I’m out on my ass with nothing. Why can’t I be more angry than sad? Shouldn’t I be?

I’m also finding myself wondering if she has had any second thoughts at all. Of course, this is another series of thoughts that get me ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE but I can’t stop them. Really, I guess I’m wondering what she’s thinking across the board. Not that it should matter on iota to me at all. I think I’m still a little shellshocked. I was listening to some music, and heard the song “You’ll Never Find Another Love” by Lou Rawls (sung by Michael Buble’). Pretty much sums up what I’m wondering. Doesn’t help matters, though. Everytime I hear a song that mentions marriage, love, breaking up, etc. etc. etc., I’m always reminded of the movie Shaun of the Dead… Shaun’s just been dumped by his girlfriend, and he and his roommate Ed are in the pub. The song “If You Leave Me Now” by Chicago comes on the jukebox, Ed turns around, “Who the ‘ell put this on?” Shaun replies, eyes teary and bloodshot, “It’s on random…” My whole life is kinda ‘on random’ right now. I think that is why I’m listening to a lot of celtic punk stuff… Dropkick Murphys, Flogging Molly, The Pogues. None of that stuff reminds me of her. (except for the occasional love song).

The days when I don’t have anything to do are the worst. If I have no social plans, no errands to run, no place I want to eat, no nothing I just kind of bounce around the apartment, just trying to kill time between work and bedtime. I guess being ‘your own man’ again is just a big adjustment. When you saw someone every day of your life for 4 years, and made all the plans together its just a tough adjustment.

Enough belly-achin for tonight.

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Chestnut, you suck

Awhile back I wrote about the US’s best hope to regain the coveted Yellow Mustard Belt in the annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. Mr. Joey Chestnut had set the American record for hot dog eating in a qualifying event. Hopes were high… almost as high as the dogs were piled. Well, in case you didn’t hear, he choked. Well, not literally, but he didn’t win.

All he was able to force down his gullet was a paltry 52 hot dogs before time expired. *Phfffft*… rookie… The famed champion Kobayashi? He got 53 3/4. Just enough to win it again.  Sixth in a row. This guy is like Jordan winning scoring titles or Gretzky winning MVP’s. He simply can’t be stopped. A machine.

Chestnut was quoted on ESPN saying, “I hit a wall. I just felt tired,”. Yeah, a wall made of processed cow hooves and pig snouts. Or, lips and assholes as dad used to say.

Well, there’s always next year.

Oh, and do us a favor… don’t mention this to any of the starving countries out there. They might be pissed.

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July 4th Quiz

Just a little post for the 4th of July. Happy Independance Day everyone.

MSNBC.com has a little quiz on their site. I fully believe that the questions on there are things that EVERY SINGLE AMERICAN should know. Period. End of story. No ‘ifs’ ‘ands’ or ‘buts’. I’m not saying you have to get 100% on it… personally, I only got 95%. I missed question #20 regarding what is the form to apply for citizenship called. The way I figure it, I have never had a need to know what the form is called, since I’ve been a citizen for my whole life… plus, my mail order bride from Russia hasn’t come in yet.

The only other question that I had to pause on was naming the original 13 states. That was something that we never had to memmorize in school. But, through process of elimination (they make it real easy to eliminate 2 choices right off the bat) it should be fairly easy.

But, take the quiz. Let me know how you score. And, if you score lower than 40%, lie to me and tell me you did better so I can still respect you…

See the quiz

By the way, saw Nacho Libre last night. Fairly funny. Very ‘Napolean Dynamite’ like. Had that same sort of “randomness” feel to it. The way it was written, Jack Black was channeling Napolean many times throughout the film. It was quite absurd in points, but that was the point of it. I doubt this movie is for everyone. I know lots of people who would probably hate it. But being a Jack Black fan, I enjoyed it if for no other reason than to watch him for 90 minutes.

One thing that got me was watching it, I kept thinking, “wow… that really is the best the Penelope Cruz has ever looked.” It wasn’t until I got home and onto IMDB.com that I realized that it WASN’T Penelope Cruz at all. It was a Mexican actress by the name of Ana de la Reguera. I then read that Ebert & Roper made the same mistake I did, but they’re professionals and talked about it on TV, so I don’t feel so bad.