Category: Divorce

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Champions

In the past 2 nights we have had 2 sport champions crowned. The Carolina Hurricanes won the Stanley Cup on Monday and Tuesday, the Miami Heat won the NBA championship. Really, I had very little invested in either series. Having not seen NHL hockey since 2004 and being at best a lukewarm fan of the NBA, I wasn’t real intrigued. I did, however, tune into the games from time to time, simply because they were broadcast in high def. I’m telling you, sports is what high def does best. There is no question. If you have yet to view such an event in HD, do not wait any longer. The picture is so good that even regular season baseball games are interesting.

Really, the only real good thing about these two sports ending the seasons means that we are that much closer to the real sports season… Football. Now, without the seemingly never ending NBA coverage to waste time with (and the cursory glance they gave to the NHL), SportsCenter can get back to their day jobs of covering the hell out of the NFL. Training camps open in roughly a month. Soon, they will begin breaking down every team, one per day, and analyze every aspect of the off season moves and the upcoming season. College players start practice a little after that and we start to talk about who is favored in the big rivalries… Michigan/Ohio State… Alabama/Auburn… The worlds largest outdoor cocktail party… the red river shootout… the civil war… Just typing it makes me excited.

This is also when Madden 2007 and NCAA Football 2007 video games are released. Anymore, the day Madden is released should be a holiday, simply because there are many many guys out there who will think of nothing but their upcoming virtual seasons for the entire day. I predict more than a few ‘sick’ days will be used that day.

Thus begins the time of year when I start to get a little giddy. I start researching for our fantasy football draft (not that it ever helps for I will end up injuring half my team anyway). I look at the weekend schedules of which college games will be on ABC or ESPN or FoxSports (always knowing that Notre Dame will be on NBC) and plan accordingly.

Mainly, it begins the season of the only team on the planet that I live and die by. Boise State Bronco Football. I will expound on this more in a future post, but growing up in geographically isolated Boise Idaho (seriously…look at a map) you don’t have any major pro teams close to devote yourself to. You’ve got one game in town, and growing up like I did, you learn to love it. At the time of this post, the season opener is 71 days, 9 hours, 2 minutes and 38 seconds away. Of course, this season will be a little different for me as the massive tailgate party of past years I will no longer be a part of. Just another thing I lost in the divorce. Those six or seven days were always in my top 10 favorite days all year. I’ll truly miss them. At least I’ll still be at the games, which is the main focus.

But, it’s still the greatest time of year. And its only 2 short months away. Bring it on.

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Roller Coaster

Last week was the closest thing to a roller coaster since this whole thing started. Unbelievable. To start, Monday, Memorial Day, I was in absolute agony with that stomach virus whateveritwas. So, I was battling that all week, including Tuesday and Thrusday afternoon off work. Didn’t really start to feel ‘normal’ until Saturday. By the way, it was more difficult than I thought being sick and being alone for the first time. I couldn’t drive. I didn’t have any meds. I had to call my sister and parents to see if they could drive across town and bring me some. If that isn’t emasculating, I don’t know what is.

I did have something happen that really sent me reeling. Let me explain. For the past week or 2, I have visited match.com and just browse to see who’s out there. Don’t have a profile up. Am not responding to any ads. Just looking. No way am I ready to start dating.

Well, after putting in the search, guess who was the very first result? You guessed right if you said, G, the ex. When I saw that, it felt like I’d been punched. I don’t know if there is a stronger sense of the word irony than that. That is right out of a shitty chick-flick, but it would usually be the woman on the receiving end.

The picture she used I remember taking at a tailgate party last year and she was wearing a Boise State sweatshirt that I remember purchasing with her at Costco one Saturday. I know I shouldn’t have read her description, but I did. The things she likes doing pretty much described our life. Places to go, things to do, all of it. Of course, she did add ‘extroverted’ to her ideal match criteria. Who could that be a unintentional shot at? Long story short, I was devastated.

I made an appointment to see my shrink Friday morning. Had to work some things out, obviously. As we were talking I finally realized something. That was not my life. If I can be removed from the picture of her and her family… and absolutely nothing changes, then that was most certainly not my life. Her family is so influential, that we never built ‘our life’. It was pretty much dictated to us. Thats not to say we didn’t do fun things and whatnot… we did. But, there was never any deciding to not do something that was happening. Wasn’t an option.

And for my personality, that was fine with me. I didn’t have to make any decisions, I was along for the ride. Other people were driving. I went with the flow. I attempt to avoid conflict at all times (another thing I’m working on) so, I didn’t make waves. Doc said that one reason I’m having such a hard time right now is that I’m back in the driver seat, and I haven’t been here for a while. Its an adjustment, and is adding to the general feeling of unease.

Doc also made a good analogy. He compared her going out dating again with what she’s looking for and her family situation and everything to Bewitched. They switched Darren’s half way through and pretended like nothing happened. He was just plugged in and along they went. I was Darren. I didn’t hit my mark, speak my lines, and get out of the scene well enough. So, I’m being replaced.

So, by the time I left my appointment, I was feeling better. Not ‘good’ mind you, but better. Still a long way to go.

But, the day wasn’t over. I made the decision that I was going to go down to the Ha’ Penny pub (the place we used to go all the time, and are friends with the owner) to get some dinner, and watch the basketball game. By myself. I show up and sit at the bar, and have a beer. Sooner or later, Barry (the owner) comes by and sits next to me. We shoot the shit a little bit, talk about life and whatnot. He is the coolest guy. I got some food, and watched the game. He is always ‘on’ in that place and talking to a bunch of people. His girlfriend Jessica comes in an hour and a half after me or so. She and Barry are going to eat. They invited me to sit at their table with them. She is really nice too. Asking questions about this whole deal. I don’t mind talking about it.

Let me backup. On my way down there, I had met G to swap some more stuff. There were still a few things that were over there of mine, and I had some insurance paperwork she needed. We talked for a little while. We’re cordial to each other. One thing I did notice, that is probably evil for me to mention, but I’m sure she’s put on weight. Where I’ve lost 30+ she looked bigger to me.

Anyway, as I’m down there with Barry and Jessica, about 8:30, who should come walking in the door. Yup. It’s almost like I’m being tested or something. We said hello to each other, and she to Barry and Jessica, then went and sat with her boss and a couple other people I didn’t know. Jessica asked if it was a little awkward… I said no, but it kinda was. I was reminded of all the good times we’d had in there. Kinda tough. But it was good to get through. Once the game was over, I started out. I waved by to her (didn’t want to go up and talk) and headed home. Felt a little weird afterwards. Just another step, I suppose.

I know this post is a monster, but I haven’t posted for a few days and wanted to get this out. There is one other thing. A couple times I’ve seen or spoken to her, she has asked if I had understood anymore of the reason this happened. Well, for christ sake, we haven’t spoken about it (the reasons, that is) one single time after those 15 minutes that monday evening not so long ago. How am I supposed to understand her reasoning if I’m left to try to figure it out on my own? Yeah, I have my thoughts as to why it happened. Theories if you will. But thats all they are. I don’t know if they’re right or wrong. I guess its academic at this point anyway, but that just kinda pissed me off.

Has a corner been turned? Stay tuned, I suppose.

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Regression

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program. Today was really hard. Really hard. I didn’t have much to do, and found myself really missing her badly today. Things are tough when you feel so alone. Granted, family and friends are there, but it is just not the same thing. You know things are bad when you’re fighting back tears in the goddamn grocery store. I went to Albertson’s to pick up a few things, and anything and everything reminded me of her. Today is one of those days when I really feel it. I don’t know if it’s stupid or not, but I don’t even want to buy groceries that remind me of my past life. I know that is the most asinine thing in the world. No wonder I never want to eat anything. Last thing I want to do is think of her everyday I open the fridge, but I’ll be damned if I can stop it.

Just to get out of the house today, I went to Costco just to browse around. Didn’t seem to help much, or at all. A day like today, I don’t know if anything would help. I didn’t buy anything, and really just found more stuff to depress me.

I am so tired of feeling like this. There is no end in sight. To this day, sometimes it STILL doesn’t feel like its real. I can’t believe this happened. I think the problem is that I just don’t “not love” her anymore. Despite everything. And I’m the guy who never had a problem being alone before. I was single for 5 years. Didn’t bother me at all. Now, I can’t go 3 days without feeling lonely to the nth degree. I know things could be so much worse too, I mean, nobody has died, everyone’s healthy, etc. etc. etc. But that doesn’t seem to matter for shit right now.

God this sucks.

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Vegas Dreams

Well, one step forward, one step back. Today wasn’t as good. I found myself thinking a lot about Vegas. Specifically, the fact that G and I were there less than 2 1/2 months ago. We had such a good time. Sometimes I still can’t believe that all this has happened since then. It still seems surreal. I can remember everything we did. Part of me really wishes we hadn’t gone. See, we hadn’t been there since our honeymoon 3 years ago. If we wouldn’t have gone in February, then Vegas wouldn’t remind me so much of her. Now, when I think of the strip, I just think of all the things we did while we were there for 4 days most recently. How depressing. More of that ‘never get to do with her again’ category of memories. Be it eating at the restaurants we like, going downtown, getting drinks and listening to live music, seeing a show, playing Pai Gow. So many stories. Happy and sad all rolled into one toxic mental stew.

John has offered multiple times to foot the bill for a trip to Vegas. I know I must be crazy to turn him down. I would totally hate to get down there and feel horrible. Its difficult to explain. I wish I could just get this stuff out of my head. It just keeps circulating around in there never going anywhere. I didn’t do a damn thing all day. Didn’t even get dressed until 4:00. Luckily no one stopped by. Not that I really would have cared.

Anyway, maybe next time I can take TWO steps forward before I take a step back. Like Bill Muarry in ‘What About Bob’… “baby steps.”

Or this one is better

Bob Wiley: You ever hear of Tourette’s syndrome? Involuntarily shouting out profanities?
Dr. Leo Marvin: It’s exceptionally rare.
Bob Wiley: Shit-eating son-of-a-bitch… bastard, douche-bag, twat, numb-nuts, dickhead!
Dr. Leo Marvin: Why exactly are you doing this?
Bob Wiley: Well, if I fake it then I don’t have it.

Good night.

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One Month

Well, here it is. The one month mark since ‘the day’. God, sometimes it feels like its been 4 years since it happened, and others it seems like it was just yesterday I was happy. *sigh* I’m feeling ok I guess. Not all the time mind you. Trying to stay busy helps, but at the same time, taking time to do nothing helps too. I do still feel lonley. I mean, I really enjoyed to spend time with her. The things we did together were always fun. We had so many similar interests… that is tough to lose. I guess you don’t appreciate what you got until its gone, right?

I miss all of those friends that I will never see again. Her family friends and her friends. Thats what’s tough. “Our” life was really “Her” life. I’m not terrific at maintaining contact with friends (see Step in the right direction below), so, we did things with her friends. I didn’t mind cause I really like them all. Plus, at all the events there was always the same family friends that would be there. The Faricys, the Mondadas, Becky and Mike, Barry and Jessica, the DeAngelis, the Riddles, Coach Graham and Marsha, Coach Mac, Julious and Becky and everyone else from BSU. Chris Costa is one of my favorite people who I’ll most likely never talk to again.

I had to go downtown the other day, and I realized that I really don’t enjoy that right now. All that does is remind me of her. The restaruants we loved. The places we frequented. We used to walk from home down there on nice days. The new development at BoDo I was so looking forward to enjoying with her. Now, I know I can do it on my own, but it just won’t be the same. I haven’t been to the Ha’ Penny (our favorite bar, owned by Barry) since it happened. She and I actually ate there the week before it happened. I didn’t know that would be the last time I would go. I know it sounds crazy to stop going somewhere because of one person, but its not just that. There are lots of memories there. I have lots of pictures from things that happened there. Plus, everyone in her family goes there all the time. I’m really not ready to run into any of them.

Speaking of which, I’m kind of surprised I have not heard from her mom at all. She is really nice and very caring. I guess once you’re out, you’re out. I’m sure they’re just going on like I never existed in their lives at all. I’ll have to return to this subject later.

Thats all for now.

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Can’t Sleep

Here it is, Friday night, midnight. I’m blogging instead of sleeping. The Ambien I took an hour ago doesn’t appear to be doing its job. Oh well… I’ll continue with my story.

After getting the hotel and finding an apartment that I could get into that weekend, everything seemed to calm down a little bit. I was still down, but it didn’t seem as bad. Of course, I didn’t talk to ‘G’ (which is what the ex-wife will be called from here on) at all that week. Might have been part of the reason. I think that Thursday I got drinks with my friends George and Chris. They were really cool about not pressing too hard and just letting me go. Both were quite shocked this happened since they had just been over to the house the week before. Yeah, well, join the club boys.

Got the movers setup for Saturday morning. Apparently, all of my stuff was packed up and in the garage. A rather unceremonious way to move out of a house you love, but I digress. Feeling like I’ve kinda got a handle on things. Until Saturday comes.

The day was rainy and dreary. Movers were meeting me at the house at 9am. I got there a little early to pack some stuff into my car (computer gear and loose books mostly) that I didn’t want the movers to deal with. Needless to say, seeing my entire life boxed up and sitting in the garage was not easy. In fact, it sucked badly. That day was quite horrible across the board. See, when you hire movers, they do the work, you stand around and watch them. And every single piece they would pick up and load had memories all over it. I think I was about 10 seconds from tears the entire day. It took about 2 hours to load it all up. G came out and gave me my plants and a couple other things that were still in the house. And left. Didn’t help my state of mind much.

Upon arrival at the new apartment, movers start to move stuff up. I’m on the third floor with some narrow stairs. So, while they’re working, I’m clanging around the empty apartment with plenty of time to think. Thinking is most defintely not what I wanted to be doing. I would direct them when they came in as to where to put stuff, but the apartment is not large, so its not too difficult to figure out. Them bringing in my leather couch was so painful, I couldn’t even watch. They practically perform origami on the damn thing to fit it through the door. But they did it, and didn’t rip the leather. Well done, boys.

So, while they’re still bringing up stuff, I thought I might open a few boxes and see what’s what. Remember now, I didn’t pack any of this. I don’t know what I might have gotten or not gotten from the house. Here is a little exercise for you. Have something VERY tramatic happen to you. Ok, after thats done, leave your house and don’t come back for a week. With me? Now, try to remember everything you own in the world… your house is full of the stuff. Now open a bunch of boxes and make sure you got it all. Not easy, nor fun, nor, frankly very fair at all. I’ll get back to what I got and didn’t get later. Besides, at this point, I can’t remember stuff I was told 20 minutes ago. My brain had devolved into tapioca. No other way to describe it. I had a jumble of numbers wizzing around my head… address is 6…uh… ok phone number… 939.. something. New work phone number we just got… No effin clue. It was the address one that really messed me up. Even today, I still have to pause and think about it. I feel like a total tard.
Anyway, once the movers were done, I setup my bed and computer and plugged in the television. I was desperate for distraction. Hadn’t been on a pc in a week… withdrawl city man. Although, it had sort of lost a little appeal for me at the moment. I pretty much didn’t do anything for the rest of the day except sit there. TV was on, but I don’t know if I could characterize what I was doing as ‘watching’ exactly. Perhaps I was meditating without knowing it? Is that possible?

Ok, wrapping this up. We’re through the first 5 full days. Only about 18,250 left, give or take.

Ambien….is kickkkkkk innngg inlk;;;kfa nkml,b.,,,,, zzzzzzzzzzz

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Genesis

Well, I might as well get down to brass tacks here and cough up the reason I’m destroyed right now. As some of you know, I am getting divorced. That is the accurate description. This is not a “we are divorcing” thing, this is a “she is divorcing me” thing. About 90% out of the blue. She told me Monday, April 3rd, two days before what would have been our 3rd anniversary. I came home from work, and as soon as I walked in the door she said, “we need to talk.” Then, she dropped the hammer. No “last chance”, no trial separation, no nothing. Just “we’re getting divorced, and I don’t want you to stay here tonight.” Actually, I believe her words were “I’m through”.

So, in a serious state of shock, I leave, taking nothing with me. I go to my sister’s house because it was all I could think to do. Also, she is a counselor and has been divorced years ago. I absolutely broke down when I told her (which would most certainly not be the last time for that). After staying there for a few minutes, I figured I should go to my parents house. My sister asks if she would like me to call them ahead of time and let them know. I would have never thought of that, and it really helped me out. At least I  didn’t have to say it again 10 minutes later. I “slept” there that night. Technically, I laid there in bed until 7am.

The next day, I took off work. Like I could concentrate on anything anyway. I had more important issues to deal with. I went back to “our” house to get some clothes and toiletries. When I get there, the locksmith is busy changing all the locks in the house. Not 12 hours after she broke the news to me. You would think I was beating her or something. It made me feel like I was a criminal that needed to be expunged. She had packed me a bag with some clothes and whatnot, and I left again. Got a hotel room at Extended Stay America for a week and tried to come up with some sort of gameplan.

All the while, I’m walking around like a zombie. Absolutely dumbfounded. I did need a haircut in the worst way, and had an appointment that day to get it done, so I went. Immediately she could tell something was wrong, and was smart enough to just say nothing. It was really nice to not have to try and make small talk. Not to mention that I was not ready to even begin to discuss it. I thanked her for not chatting me up, and tipped her generously.

The only other thing I did that day was put a call into my therapist I’d been seeing for about a month and a half (and also saw him around the holidays). Unfortunately, they couldn’t fit me in until the next Tuesday. Seven whole days.

More to come…