Roller Coaster

Last week was the closest thing to a roller coaster since this whole thing started. Unbelievable. To start, Monday, Memorial Day, I was in absolute agony with that stomach virus whateveritwas. So, I was battling that all week, including Tuesday and Thrusday afternoon off work. Didn’t really start to feel ‘normal’ until Saturday. By the way, it was more difficult than I thought being sick and being alone for the first time. I couldn’t drive. I didn’t have any meds. I had to call my sister and parents to see if they could drive across town and bring me some. If that isn’t emasculating, I don’t know what is.

I did have something happen that really sent me reeling. Let me explain. For the past week or 2, I have visited and just browse to see who’s out there. Don’t have a profile up. Am not responding to any ads. Just looking. No way am I ready to start dating.

Well, after putting in the search, guess who was the very first result? You guessed right if you said, G, the ex. When I saw that, it felt like I’d been punched. I don’t know if there is a stronger sense of the word irony than that. That is right out of a shitty chick-flick, but it would usually be the woman on the receiving end.

The picture she used I remember taking at a tailgate party last year and she was wearing a Boise State sweatshirt that I remember purchasing with her at Costco one Saturday. I know I shouldn’t have read her description, but I did. The things she likes doing pretty much described our life. Places to go, things to do, all of it. Of course, she did add ‘extroverted’ to her ideal match criteria. Who could that be a unintentional shot at? Long story short, I was devastated.

I made an appointment to see my shrink Friday morning. Had to work some things out, obviously. As we were talking I finally realized something. That was not my life. If I can be removed from the picture of her and her family… and absolutely nothing changes, then that was most certainly not my life. Her family is so influential, that we never built ‘our life’. It was pretty much dictated to us. Thats not to say we didn’t do fun things and whatnot… we did. But, there was never any deciding to not do something that was happening. Wasn’t an option.

And for my personality, that was fine with me. I didn’t have to make any decisions, I was along for the ride. Other people were driving. I went with the flow. I attempt to avoid conflict at all times (another thing I’m working on) so, I didn’t make waves. Doc said that one reason I’m having such a hard time right now is that I’m back in the driver seat, and I haven’t been here for a while. Its an adjustment, and is adding to the general feeling of unease.

Doc also made a good analogy. He compared her going out dating again with what she’s looking for and her family situation and everything to Bewitched. They switched Darren’s half way through and pretended like nothing happened. He was just plugged in and along they went. I was Darren. I didn’t hit my mark, speak my lines, and get out of the scene well enough. So, I’m being replaced.

So, by the time I left my appointment, I was feeling better. Not ‘good’ mind you, but better. Still a long way to go.

But, the day wasn’t over. I made the decision that I was going to go down to the Ha’ Penny pub (the place we used to go all the time, and are friends with the owner) to get some dinner, and watch the basketball game. By myself. I show up and sit at the bar, and have a beer. Sooner or later, Barry (the owner) comes by and sits next to me. We shoot the shit a little bit, talk about life and whatnot. He is the coolest guy. I got some food, and watched the game. He is always ‘on’ in that place and talking to a bunch of people. His girlfriend Jessica comes in an hour and a half after me or so. She and Barry are going to eat. They invited me to sit at their table with them. She is really nice too. Asking questions about this whole deal. I don’t mind talking about it.

Let me backup. On my way down there, I had met G to swap some more stuff. There were still a few things that were over there of mine, and I had some insurance paperwork she needed. We talked for a little while. We’re cordial to each other. One thing I did notice, that is probably evil for me to mention, but I’m sure she’s put on weight. Where I’ve lost 30+ she looked bigger to me.

Anyway, as I’m down there with Barry and Jessica, about 8:30, who should come walking in the door. Yup. It’s almost like I’m being tested or something. We said hello to each other, and she to Barry and Jessica, then went and sat with her boss and a couple other people I didn’t know. Jessica asked if it was a little awkward… I said no, but it kinda was. I was reminded of all the good times we’d had in there. Kinda tough. But it was good to get through. Once the game was over, I started out. I waved by to her (didn’t want to go up and talk) and headed home. Felt a little weird afterwards. Just another step, I suppose.

I know this post is a monster, but I haven’t posted for a few days and wanted to get this out. There is one other thing. A couple times I’ve seen or spoken to her, she has asked if I had understood anymore of the reason this happened. Well, for christ sake, we haven’t spoken about it (the reasons, that is) one single time after those 15 minutes that monday evening not so long ago. How am I supposed to understand her reasoning if I’m left to try to figure it out on my own? Yeah, I have my thoughts as to why it happened. Theories if you will. But thats all they are. I don’t know if they’re right or wrong. I guess its academic at this point anyway, but that just kinda pissed me off.

Has a corner been turned? Stay tuned, I suppose.

4 Replies to “Roller Coaster”

  1. Wow Jas. I’m proud of how you handled yourself. Good for you for facing your demon(s). I can’t imagine how excruciating that was for you. I can’t believe she’s fishing so soon, but once again I have to say that it speaks to her character. We noticed the changes in you when you two met. At first it was amusing to see my rough edged brother talk about saffron and wine. But I saw that your life together was really her life in that your family got pushed out while her family time never seemed to change… they always seemed to get first dibs on your time. And that wasn’t your fault. It’s just her personality. It’s great that you’re feeling a little anger. Anger is an excellent motivator. Right on that you’ve lost weight and she hasn’t. Round 1 to you bro. Granted the grief-motivated-starvation diet is probably not going to hit the best-seller list but you’ve jump started yourself to a slimmer, and eventually, healthier you. You’re a champ in my book and I’m proud of you. Keep on keepin’ on and you’ll get through a step at a time. Take back your life and make it what you want. It’s the best revenge there is.

  2. Ditto what Kris said…I think G’s picture looks like Roz from Monsters Inc. (so think about that when you’re feeling sad, maybe it will make you laugh a bit)

    I like your doc’s analogy…it really does fit. Those people are freaks for not acknowledging that anything has changed…and it’s their loss, not yours (you’ll see this in time, I promise).

    Take care lil bro…I love you!

  3. Jas, just got a chance to check your site–I can see you took a huge step on Saturday–and you didn’t even mention it when you were over! Anyway, I echo your sisters’ comments. Eventually, this will all seem like a bad dream, or at least a surreal one. Remember my mantra–everything happens for a reason. Love you, Mom

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