Author: Jason Haberman

35 years old and starting over in April 06. Moving onwards and upwards. With the help of friends, family and a little creative writing.
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Roller Coaster

Last week was the closest thing to a roller coaster since this whole thing started. Unbelievable. To start, Monday, Memorial Day, I was in absolute agony with that stomach virus whateveritwas. So, I was battling that all week, including Tuesday and Thrusday afternoon off work. Didn’t really start to feel ‘normal’ until Saturday. By the way, it was more difficult than I thought being sick and being alone for the first time. I couldn’t drive. I didn’t have any meds. I had to call my sister and parents to see if they could drive across town and bring me some. If that isn’t emasculating, I don’t know what is.

I did have something happen that really sent me reeling. Let me explain. For the past week or 2, I have visited match.com and just browse to see who’s out there. Don’t have a profile up. Am not responding to any ads. Just looking. No way am I ready to start dating.

Well, after putting in the search, guess who was the very first result? You guessed right if you said, G, the ex. When I saw that, it felt like I’d been punched. I don’t know if there is a stronger sense of the word irony than that. That is right out of a shitty chick-flick, but it would usually be the woman on the receiving end.

The picture she used I remember taking at a tailgate party last year and she was wearing a Boise State sweatshirt that I remember purchasing with her at Costco one Saturday. I know I shouldn’t have read her description, but I did. The things she likes doing pretty much described our life. Places to go, things to do, all of it. Of course, she did add ‘extroverted’ to her ideal match criteria. Who could that be a unintentional shot at? Long story short, I was devastated.

I made an appointment to see my shrink Friday morning. Had to work some things out, obviously. As we were talking I finally realized something. That was not my life. If I can be removed from the picture of her and her family… and absolutely nothing changes, then that was most certainly not my life. Her family is so influential, that we never built ‘our life’. It was pretty much dictated to us. Thats not to say we didn’t do fun things and whatnot… we did. But, there was never any deciding to not do something that was happening. Wasn’t an option.

And for my personality, that was fine with me. I didn’t have to make any decisions, I was along for the ride. Other people were driving. I went with the flow. I attempt to avoid conflict at all times (another thing I’m working on) so, I didn’t make waves. Doc said that one reason I’m having such a hard time right now is that I’m back in the driver seat, and I haven’t been here for a while. Its an adjustment, and is adding to the general feeling of unease.

Doc also made a good analogy. He compared her going out dating again with what she’s looking for and her family situation and everything to Bewitched. They switched Darren’s half way through and pretended like nothing happened. He was just plugged in and along they went. I was Darren. I didn’t hit my mark, speak my lines, and get out of the scene well enough. So, I’m being replaced.

So, by the time I left my appointment, I was feeling better. Not ‘good’ mind you, but better. Still a long way to go.

But, the day wasn’t over. I made the decision that I was going to go down to the Ha’ Penny pub (the place we used to go all the time, and are friends with the owner) to get some dinner, and watch the basketball game. By myself. I show up and sit at the bar, and have a beer. Sooner or later, Barry (the owner) comes by and sits next to me. We shoot the shit a little bit, talk about life and whatnot. He is the coolest guy. I got some food, and watched the game. He is always ‘on’ in that place and talking to a bunch of people. His girlfriend Jessica comes in an hour and a half after me or so. She and Barry are going to eat. They invited me to sit at their table with them. She is really nice too. Asking questions about this whole deal. I don’t mind talking about it.

Let me backup. On my way down there, I had met G to swap some more stuff. There were still a few things that were over there of mine, and I had some insurance paperwork she needed. We talked for a little while. We’re cordial to each other. One thing I did notice, that is probably evil for me to mention, but I’m sure she’s put on weight. Where I’ve lost 30+ she looked bigger to me.

Anyway, as I’m down there with Barry and Jessica, about 8:30, who should come walking in the door. Yup. It’s almost like I’m being tested or something. We said hello to each other, and she to Barry and Jessica, then went and sat with her boss and a couple other people I didn’t know. Jessica asked if it was a little awkward… I said no, but it kinda was. I was reminded of all the good times we’d had in there. Kinda tough. But it was good to get through. Once the game was over, I started out. I waved by to her (didn’t want to go up and talk) and headed home. Felt a little weird afterwards. Just another step, I suppose.

I know this post is a monster, but I haven’t posted for a few days and wanted to get this out. There is one other thing. A couple times I’ve seen or spoken to her, she has asked if I had understood anymore of the reason this happened. Well, for christ sake, we haven’t spoken about it (the reasons, that is) one single time after those 15 minutes that monday evening not so long ago. How am I supposed to understand her reasoning if I’m left to try to figure it out on my own? Yeah, I have my thoughts as to why it happened. Theories if you will. But thats all they are. I don’t know if they’re right or wrong. I guess its academic at this point anyway, but that just kinda pissed me off.

Has a corner been turned? Stay tuned, I suppose.

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Saturday Completion

I know that its Wednesday, but I have some story completion for last Saturday. You can scroll down and read the post Good Satruday to catch up.

I just wanted to write about the fact that on Saturday I had 3 separate meals for the first time in months. I rolled out of bed and was cleaning up the apartment. I threw down 2 pieces of pizza and a big glass of water. Granted, its not exactly granola, yogurt and a banana, but it was something. Then, as George and I were working that day, we went to a nearby deli, and I had a whole turkey & cheddar sandwich. Upon completion of the bookshelf late that afternoon, George’s wife Jocele was on the phone with him, and invited me to go to dinner with them. Originally, I tried to decline. I wasn’t really hungry, and did need to get a little second job work done. She wasn’t taking it from George, so he handed me the phone. As I tried to politely decline, she wore me down and beat me into submission. In a good way… So, I ended up at dinner with them and their beautiful 11 month daughter. I ordered a chicken quesadilla which when it came to the table was absolutely gigantic. But, I fired down a few wedges of it, amazed by the fact that I had eaten again that day. For the record, I think Catie ate as much as I did for dinner, but what can you do? Plus, I had left over quesadilla to last for about a week.

So, I get home from dinner about 7 or so. Not having much to do on a Saturday evening, I was quite bored. I did get some work done, but was unmotivated to get much accomplished. Unable to come up with anything else to amuse myself, I decide I’m going to go down to my complex’s workout area for the first time since I moved in. They have a nice little area of machines and weights in there. I put on some workout clothes and jog down there (because it is STILL raining). I decided to do a half hour on the elliptical machine. Good low impact workout for my poor knees. I set the timer and off I went. This being my first time in a long time on a cardio machine, I did what I always seem to do… started off WAY too fast. I’m motoring along when I get about 5 or 6 minutes in and I start to think, ‘what the hell am I doing’? I’m running out of gas quickly. I have to force myself to slow down and pace myself. As I’m working, I am trying to not look at that damn timer countdown. I felt like Vito in the Sopranos a couple weeks ago. For those who haven’t been watching, Vito is the gay gangster who was outed, and made a run for it to New Hampshire. As he was living there, he tried to do construction for income (since he couldn’t really mob it up in the small town he was in). There was a scene where he was working, and you hear him thinking to himself: “ok… its gotta be 9:30am… don’t look at your watch. 2 1/2 hours to lunch, then 4 hours until I’m done”  “must be 11… look at the sun. Almost lunch time. Don’t look at your watch.” “I has got to be 12:30… I’ve been working 4.5 hours, easy. Half hour for lunch and I’m over half done for the day.” Then, he looks at his watch and it is like 10:15am. Needless to say, he is QUITE despondent. It is then he decides to face death and go back to New Jersey rather than do that anymore. Anyway, thats how I felt on that damn machine. It has to have been another 5 minutes… almost done… then I look down and its been about 45 seconds. There is no time longer than the time on the treadmill.

At least I had the place to myself. That was pretty cool. Apparently, I was the only loser that didn’t have anything better to do on a Saturday night of a holiday weekend. Oh well.

I’m going to have to write more later about my wonderful Monday. Hoo boy, that was fun… in the same way that getting hit in the face with a rock is fun.

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God, please, kill me

This is the worst day I’ve had in a long long time, and its not even emotion related. My stomach feels like I took a punch from Mike Tyson, only it happened every 20 minutes. I’ve spent the entire day in bed, when I wasn’t on the can. I can barely sit upright. The pain went away for about 20 minutes this afternoon, and I dozed off. But, for the rest of the day, since 5am, I’ve felt like death wormed over.

I’m dehydrated as hell… can’t keep anything down. Pain. Headache. Dizzy when I stand up. Arms and hands tingling. Agony.

If anyone has the means, please come over and shoot me. Now. ASAP.

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Good Saturday

Well, I had a pretty good day today. Not everything went my way, but more on that in a sec.

George came over to help me purchase, transport and assemble the bookshelf for the living room. We went to the Target that is just around the corner from me, and of course, they don’t have any in stock. But, they called the other store, and they had one. Of course, that store is about 10 miles away, and Saturday afternoon traffic was a zoo around there. Undeterred, we ventured over to pick it up. George was driving his Jeep Cherokee. We try to load up the box into the truck… uh… shit. The box is about 4 inches too long. Well son of a bitch. We don’t have anything to tie tailgate down with. And, wouldn’t you know it, it starts to rain. We headed up the road to the nearby Home Depot to buy a little twine. After a little hassle, we are tied down and ready to head back to the apartment.

Upon arrival here, the rain really opened up. It was absolutley pouring. We wait around a few minutes to see if it will die down. Well, it didn’t. So we decide to just bite the bullet and lug this box that is like a foot and a half square that is some 65 inches long. Big box. Pretty heavy. Its wet outside and we’re going up 3 flights of stairs. Luckily, the transportation was uneventful. Got a little wet, and the box got a little slick, but no worries.

After getting some lunch at a nearby deli, we start assemblage. George is in charge of the parts and instructions, and I’m doing the actual screwing and whatnot. Took a good hour at least to put together. We were a good team, apart from arguing about just how the picture looks and how the pieces go together…

While we’re working, George says, “Uh… look at your sprinkler, dude”. My apartment has those industrial style fire sprinklers in the ceiling. I look up there, and due to the rain (that is still coming down hard, by the way) there is water dripping from the damn sprinkler! Goddamn it. I don’t have a bucket… I don’t have anything. What the hell am I going to do? After drying off the couch, cd tower, etc, I find something that will catch the water. My little sister made me a ceramic wine bottle holder. About a foot tall and 6-8 inches across. It will have to do. It seemed to do the job well enough, even though the drops would splash out of it a little bit. Laid a towel down and went back to work. I don’t even want to think about what kind of hassle that will be for them to repair. Ugh. I just checked the volume in there… there is about 3 or 3 inches of water. Good thing that wasn’t all dropping into the carpet, my cheap-ass-heavy-cardboard-steamer-trunk-coffee table.

After we get done, we put the new piece of furniture up on the wall, and I do have to say, it looks really cool. I’ll post pictures tomorrow, if I can find my camera, and download cable which might be tougher than it sounds. I did put a bunch of the pottery Kristen has given me and my Sinatra books on there. It’s still a little sparse, but I can find some more knick-knacky sorta things to put on it. I really like it.

I also got some pictures hung up. I bought some art that is kinda like a stylized jazz bar scene, with a band and singer on stage and a bar on the other side. Very cool. I also put up a nice framed matted Sinatra poster. Combined with the rug I bought on Wednesday for out there, the room is just about done. Need a lamp or two, and some more decroative shit for the walls. I like it when a plan comes together.

The other positive about George coming over is that it made me actually clean this shithole up. Its amazing how fast the bachelor life comes back to ya. I rounded up all the mail that was all over the place… dishes around… clothes all over… etc etc etc. You’ve all seen places like that. Some of you might even be in one as we speak. I don’t think I’ve had anyone over since the last time George was here 3 weeks ago. So, it was getting bad.

I’ve got more to write about, but this post is getting long and I’m getting tired. Big day. I also worked out tonight and ate more than one meal… I’ll have to tell you that tomorrow.

Good night.

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Silent Bob Speaks

I don’t know if anyone else is a Kevin Smith fan (Clerks, Dogma, Chasing Amy), but I love the guy. He has a blog where he writes about all kinds of stuff. You can tell that he is first and foremost a writer. Very entertaining. His blog is http://silentbobspeaks.com

Now, bear in mind, he is definitely for mature audiences. But I find him very funny. For example, here is a post he wrote about visiting a strip club in his native New Jersey. On the Perils of Strip Clubs. Again, be warned. Adult language and themes are included.

He also has a post where he talks about a benefit he had in his house for his daughters school. It is amusing to read since the kind of fundraisers that hollywood types have certainly differ from the type of participants than yours or mine. Johnny Rotten vs. Stan Lee. Even just read the names of the people he got to come and read poetry. Very impressive. Would have been a fun night to be at.

Then, on the biographical side, he has written a multipart history of his life with Jason Mewes (Jay, to his Silent Bob) who has been a drug addict for many years. It details how Kevin tried to help him repeatedly over the years. I’ve never known a drug addict, but he really gives a feeling of what it is like. Even if you don’t know who these people are, you might find this story interesting. It begins here Me and My Shadow pt. 1 Its a heartbreaking tale that ends up in a good place. It is very long, but worth the read if you have some time.
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8
Part 9 – Conclusion

Ok, enough Kevin Smith. More soon.

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Quick Hit

Just another quick post.

As you know (if you’ve been reading) I haven’t been eating much. Even when I do get hungry, I’ll be damned if I can think of anything that I want to eat. Still have no groceries. Don’t eat much fast food. Drink lots of ice water. Anyway, the other day, having not eaten since 9am, at 8pm I decide I need to get something to eat. Trying to think of what was around my house to grab, I’m coming up empty. Nothing sounds good at all. After some thought, I finally decide I’ll get a Subway sandwich. Haven’t had one of those in a while. So, I drive to Subway which is a few miles from my house. Walk in the door and get in line. As I get to the head of the line, there is a crude handwritten sign tapped to the sneeze guard saying, “Temporarily out of lettuce.” WTF!? You’re joking right? I’m no “sandwich artist” or anything, but other than bread, wouldn’t lettuce pretty much be the number 2 item included in 90% of peoples’ sandwiches? Now I’m pissed. I certainly don’t want a sandwich with no lettuce. There is no other food that I can even think of to eat. However, feeling actually hungry a little bit, I know I gotta eat something. So, I walked into the Albertsons there in the same strip mall and wander around for about 20 minutes. I ended up buying a pack of hotdogs and buns. Not that I really wanted that, but couldn’t think of anything else, specifically anything else that wouldn’t remind me of her. I still know that is stupid as hell, but it is what it is.

What a pain in the ass. I’m boycotting Subway and the rhesus monkeys they got working there. How the fuck do you run out of lettuce. Ok, now I’m just ranting.

Until next time.

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A Few Random Thoughts

This post will just be some small random stuff that’s on my mind right now. Mainly things I’m sick of, with some other stuff tossed in.

Would Barry Bonds just please die in a fire? This ‘chase’ is excruciating. ESPN is still going live to every one of his at bats, like someone in the nation still cares. I don’t want to hear any more about the most unlikable cheater in the history of sports. Talk to me about Albert Pujols’ 23 home runs already. At least thats a legitimate story.

I have never seen a single minute of the show 24. None. In 5 seasons. I don’t know how I managed to do that, but sometimes you can really feel like the outsider when you’re not watching a show. Same goes for ‘Lost’. Never seen it. I guess with those types of shows, if you don’t get in on the ground floor when its first starting, the learning curve is so steep to catch up that you don’t even want to try. That’s why the Law and Orders are so popular. Very little story carry over. Each episode is a discrete unit. You can see any episode, in any order, from any season, and not feel like a schmuck for not knowing whats going on.

Being a sports fan, I go to a lot of sport websites. As such, I cannot understand why we are getting daily updates as to the condition of Barbaro. (That would be the horse that won the Kentucky Derby and broke his leg in the Preakness). You would think they were reporting on the health of the president or something. Granted, I haven’t read any of the articles, but the only people who really care about horseracing are degenerate gamblers and rich old men anyway. Do I really need to know that this horse is walking around more today than it did yesterday? Doctors are optimistic that he’ll recover. Well great. I will sleep better tonight knowing that. I thought they shot horses with broken legs. Maybe we can go back there.

Everyone has those friends who forward you endless amounts of crap that they get emailed from people forwarding endless amounts of crap, and so on and so forth. If it makes you crazy sometimes, there is a website out there where you can delicately attempt to extricate yourself from the person’s mailing list without hurting their feelings. http://www.thanksno.com/ You just forward the offender to this site and let them read it. Hopefully, they will get the hint. By the way, if you are one of those mass forwarders, next time you may want to think a little before forwarding that cute kitty picture to 300 people. Chances are not all of them are excited to see the subject line of “FW: FW: FW: RE: FW/ FW: FW: FW>Cute kitty pic!”

Ok… I’m done for now.

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Comparison

Some of you might get a kick out of this. Here are screen shots of my Outlook calendar from both May of 2005 and May 2006.

First is May 2005. I kinda use my Outlook as both a scheduling deal as well as sort of an event journal. See if you can tell how my life has changed…

May 2005
And Here is the Current Month
May 2006
Yes, I do miss it, as insane as it was.
*sigh*
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Enough Already

Ok, I am officially sick to freakin death of The Da Vinci Code. For the past week every informational/learning channel out there has been showing more and more and MORE of these shows relating to it. Be it ‘Mysteries from the Bible’ or ‘Beyond the Da Vinci Code’ or ‘Inside the Knights Templar’. Enough. Yes, we got it. You’re trying to cash in on the movie’s release. But now that the weekend is over, can we please get back to a variety of subjects? Please? I swear, they really ramped it up this weekend and it was all Da Vinci all the time.

I have seen Da Vinci related shows on every one of the following channels: Discovery, The Learning Channel, The History Channel, A&E, History International, Science Channel, National Geographic Channel… even the freakin TRAVEL Channel has had crap on it. The only holdouts were the channels that couldn’t really pull it off, Military Channel, HGTV, Food Network, Discovery Health, ESPN(s). Thank god for those channels. If I see one more Da Vinci thing, I’m going to hurt somebody.

Yes, this does have me hot under the collar. I’m in a fragile state right now and simple things can set me off. This is one of those things. At least you can pretty much always find a Law & Order or spinoffs on 24 hours a day.

The real frustrating part was that The Da Vinci Code wasn’t even that good of a book. It was a near duplication of his earlier and far superior Angels & Demons. I highly recommend that one. However, if you’ve read Da Vinci first, you’re going to think A&D is ripping it off. Its not. For some good old Da Vinci Code bashing…

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Regression

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program. Today was really hard. Really hard. I didn’t have much to do, and found myself really missing her badly today. Things are tough when you feel so alone. Granted, family and friends are there, but it is just not the same thing. You know things are bad when you’re fighting back tears in the goddamn grocery store. I went to Albertson’s to pick up a few things, and anything and everything reminded me of her. Today is one of those days when I really feel it. I don’t know if it’s stupid or not, but I don’t even want to buy groceries that remind me of my past life. I know that is the most asinine thing in the world. No wonder I never want to eat anything. Last thing I want to do is think of her everyday I open the fridge, but I’ll be damned if I can stop it.

Just to get out of the house today, I went to Costco just to browse around. Didn’t seem to help much, or at all. A day like today, I don’t know if anything would help. I didn’t buy anything, and really just found more stuff to depress me.

I am so tired of feeling like this. There is no end in sight. To this day, sometimes it STILL doesn’t feel like its real. I can’t believe this happened. I think the problem is that I just don’t “not love” her anymore. Despite everything. And I’m the guy who never had a problem being alone before. I was single for 5 years. Didn’t bother me at all. Now, I can’t go 3 days without feeling lonely to the nth degree. I know things could be so much worse too, I mean, nobody has died, everyone’s healthy, etc. etc. etc. But that doesn’t seem to matter for shit right now.

God this sucks.