Is ‘hope’ a 4 letter word?

Well, I had just the very slightest glimmer of what possibly could be somewhere on its way to hope the other day. Lemme explain. George and I went to get some grub and see a flick. Had some beers with dinner and a good time. We then saw ‘Lucky Number Slevin’. I’m not here to review the movie (even though I kinda liked it, as unbelievable as it was). But something happened in the movie that sorta tweaked me. See, in the movie, Josh Hartnet’s character meets and starts a relationship with Lucy Liu. Watching them interact, and their mannerisms, I had a slight twinge (very slight, but noticeable) of that excitement that is there when you meet someone new and hit it off. Mind you, I have nowhere enough energy to actually go about this sort of thing now. Who knows when that might happen. But, just seeing them sorta got the broken wheel to move a little bit. Ok, not the greatest analogy but give me a break. You know what I’m talking about. However, thinking about starting all over again with the ‘getting to know you’ stage is way to daunting as of yet. Probably will be for a while.

On a different topic, I wish I had pictures of something to post on my blog. Everyone else does. I guess I could take a picture of my apartment or something… not that anyone would care to see it. I guess I’ll have to work on finding something to post in the future.

One Month

Well, here it is. The one month mark since ‘the day’. God, sometimes it feels like its been 4 years since it happened, and others it seems like it was just yesterday I was happy. *sigh* I’m feeling ok I guess. Not all the time mind you. Trying to stay busy helps, but at the same time, taking time to do nothing helps too. I do still feel lonley. I mean, I really enjoyed to spend time with her. The things we did together were always fun. We had so many similar interests… that is tough to lose. I guess you don’t appreciate what you got until its gone, right?

I miss all of those friends that I will never see again. Her family friends and her friends. Thats what’s tough. “Our” life was really “Her” life. I’m not terrific at maintaining contact with friends (see Step in the right direction below), so, we did things with her friends. I didn’t mind cause I really like them all. Plus, at all the events there was always the same family friends that would be there. The Faricys, the Mondadas, Becky and Mike, Barry and Jessica, the DeAngelis, the Riddles, Coach Graham and Marsha, Coach Mac, Julious and Becky and everyone else from BSU. Chris Costa is one of my favorite people who I’ll most likely never talk to again.

I had to go downtown the other day, and I realized that I really don’t enjoy that right now. All that does is remind me of her. The restaruants we loved. The places we frequented. We used to walk from home down there on nice days. The new development at BoDo I was so looking forward to enjoying with her. Now, I know I can do it on my own, but it just won’t be the same. I haven’t been to the Ha’ Penny (our favorite bar, owned by Barry) since it happened. She and I actually ate there the week before it happened. I didn’t know that would be the last time I would go. I know it sounds crazy to stop going somewhere because of one person, but its not just that. There are lots of memories there. I have lots of pictures from things that happened there. Plus, everyone in her family goes there all the time. I’m really not ready to run into any of them.

Speaking of which, I’m kind of surprised I have not heard from her mom at all. She is really nice and very caring. I guess once you’re out, you’re out. I’m sure they’re just going on like I never existed in their lives at all. I’ll have to return to this subject later.

Thats all for now.

Can’t Sleep

Here it is, Friday night, midnight. I’m blogging instead of sleeping. The Ambien I took an hour ago doesn’t appear to be doing its job. Oh well… I’ll continue with my story.

After getting the hotel and finding an apartment that I could get into that weekend, everything seemed to calm down a little bit. I was still down, but it didn’t seem as bad. Of course, I didn’t talk to ‘G’ (which is what the ex-wife will be called from here on) at all that week. Might have been part of the reason. I think that Thursday I got drinks with my friends George and Chris. They were really cool about not pressing too hard and just letting me go. Both were quite shocked this happened since they had just been over to the house the week before. Yeah, well, join the club boys.

Got the movers setup for Saturday morning. Apparently, all of my stuff was packed up and in the garage. A rather unceremonious way to move out of a house you love, but I digress. Feeling like I’ve kinda got a handle on things. Until Saturday comes.

The day was rainy and dreary. Movers were meeting me at the house at 9am. I got there a little early to pack some stuff into my car (computer gear and loose books mostly) that I didn’t want the movers to deal with. Needless to say, seeing my entire life boxed up and sitting in the garage was not easy. In fact, it sucked badly. That day was quite horrible across the board. See, when you hire movers, they do the work, you stand around and watch them. And every single piece they would pick up and load had memories all over it. I think I was about 10 seconds from tears the entire day. It took about 2 hours to load it all up. G came out and gave me my plants and a couple other things that were still in the house. And left. Didn’t help my state of mind much.

Upon arrival at the new apartment, movers start to move stuff up. I’m on the third floor with some narrow stairs. So, while they’re working, I’m clanging around the empty apartment with plenty of time to think. Thinking is most defintely not what I wanted to be doing. I would direct them when they came in as to where to put stuff, but the apartment is not large, so its not too difficult to figure out. Them bringing in my leather couch was so painful, I couldn’t even watch. They practically perform origami on the damn thing to fit it through the door. But they did it, and didn’t rip the leather. Well done, boys.

So, while they’re still bringing up stuff, I thought I might open a few boxes and see what’s what. Remember now, I didn’t pack any of this. I don’t know what I might have gotten or not gotten from the house. Here is a little exercise for you. Have something VERY tramatic happen to you. Ok, after thats done, leave your house and don’t come back for a week. With me? Now, try to remember everything you own in the world… your house is full of the stuff. Now open a bunch of boxes and make sure you got it all. Not easy, nor fun, nor, frankly very fair at all. I’ll get back to what I got and didn’t get later. Besides, at this point, I can’t remember stuff I was told 20 minutes ago. My brain had devolved into tapioca. No other way to describe it. I had a jumble of numbers wizzing around my head… address is 6…uh… ok phone number… 939.. something. New work phone number we just got… No effin clue. It was the address one that really messed me up. Even today, I still have to pause and think about it. I feel like a total tard.
Anyway, once the movers were done, I setup my bed and computer and plugged in the television. I was desperate for distraction. Hadn’t been on a pc in a week… withdrawl city man. Although, it had sort of lost a little appeal for me at the moment. I pretty much didn’t do anything for the rest of the day except sit there. TV was on, but I don’t know if I could characterize what I was doing as ‘watching’ exactly. Perhaps I was meditating without knowing it? Is that possible?

Ok, wrapping this up. We’re through the first 5 full days. Only about 18,250 left, give or take.

Ambien….is kickkkkkk innngg inlk;;;kfa nkml,b.,,,,, zzzzzzzzzzz

Genesis

Well, I might as well get down to brass tacks here and cough up the reason I’m destroyed right now. As some of you know, I am getting divorced. That is the accurate description. This is not a “we are divorcing” thing, this is a “she is divorcing me” thing. About 90% out of the blue. She told me Monday, April 3rd, two days before what would have been our 3rd anniversary. I came home from work, and as soon as I walked in the door she said, “we need to talk.” Then, she dropped the hammer. No “last chance”, no trial separation, no nothing. Just “we’re getting divorced, and I don’t want you to stay here tonight.” Actually, I believe her words were “I’m through”.

So, in a serious state of shock, I leave, taking nothing with me. I go to my sister’s house because it was all I could think to do. Also, she is a counselor and has been divorced years ago. I absolutely broke down when I told her (which would most certainly not be the last time for that). After staying there for a few minutes, I figured I should go to my parents house. My sister asks if she would like me to call them ahead of time and let them know. I would have never thought of that, and it really helped me out. At least I  didn’t have to say it again 10 minutes later. I “slept” there that night. Technically, I laid there in bed until 7am.

The next day, I took off work. Like I could concentrate on anything anyway. I had more important issues to deal with. I went back to “our” house to get some clothes and toiletries. When I get there, the locksmith is busy changing all the locks in the house. Not 12 hours after she broke the news to me. You would think I was beating her or something. It made me feel like I was a criminal that needed to be expunged. She had packed me a bag with some clothes and whatnot, and I left again. Got a hotel room at Extended Stay America for a week and tried to come up with some sort of gameplan.

All the while, I’m walking around like a zombie. Absolutely dumbfounded. I did need a haircut in the worst way, and had an appointment that day to get it done, so I went. Immediately she could tell something was wrong, and was smart enough to just say nothing. It was really nice to not have to try and make small talk. Not to mention that I was not ready to even begin to discuss it. I thanked her for not chatting me up, and tipped her generously.

The only other thing I did that day was put a call into my therapist I’d been seeing for about a month and a half (and also saw him around the holidays). Unfortunately, they couldn’t fit me in until the next Tuesday. Seven whole days.

More to come…

Last Sunday

So, my friend George has been inviting me over for a bar-b-que for a couple weeks. I just hadn’t had a chance to take him up on it. Sunday rolls around, and I was finally available so I told him we were a go. What I didn’t expect is that we would be spending the afternoon at his wife’s parents house. I was a little out of my comfort zone. There were a bunch of people there that I had met at his wedding (2 years ago) but don’t know at all. Everyone was super nice to me. Her folks were very accomodating and just good people. However, sitting at the table with 8 other people, me being the odd man out, I did feel a little out of place. George and everyone else couldn’t have been better, though.

It’s times like that where I really feel being single. I’m sure it was just in my mind, but I felt like the 3rd wheel, in need of pity. Not overt, and no one did anything at all to perpetuate that feeling, but I still did.

Things are just real tough sometimes.

I did call the insurance man to get my insurance squared away today. Split our cars, get me off the homeowners, and get some renters insurance. Just one more step to total seperation.

Step in the right direction

Finally spoken with my best friend tonight. We had fallen out of touch when he moved for business to Cordele Georgia (2500 miles away). Like most men, we simply got too busy and stopped calling. We’re both at fault. Then, when my life went to hell, I didn’t know how to call him. I think I was feeling guilty that I didn’t call him when things were good, so calling him when things were bad was unfair.

But, he is one of the truly good guys in this world. I was there for him when he had some real problems about 10 years ago, and the entire time we were on the phone, he said things that very few people get to hear. He is the kind of guy who would be on a flight 6am tomorrow morning if I asked him to. And he offered multiple times. We spoke for about 2 hours and just talking to him again makes me feel a little better.

Even though he hasn’t lived here since I got married, he still had some insights as to what might have happened, that were spot on. The same things my counselor has said. I value his words and his friendship probably more than I could ever express to him.

About

I should probably have something in here about myself, but really, isn’t that what the blog itself is for? You can see from my posts, I’m divorced, trying to recover. I like sports… I like bitching about sports. I see movies. I write about the stupid shit that happens in my life. I use the ellipse (…) WAY too much.

So… there ya go.

Here we go

I don’t know if at this point blogs are becoming so passe that they aren’t even worth having. Undaunted, I’m plowing ahead anyway. I always find writing helps me, and I’ve always enjoyed it. So, here we are. Those of you who know me personally, know the recent ‘change’ I’ve had. I know that will be a common theme on here for a while. Venting helps. I bet the posts will come fast and furious in the beginning as I core-dump here. I will hopefully settle into a manageable rhythm before too awful long.

I don’t know how personal this is going to get. I may keep it surface, I may go deeper. I just don’t know. If experienced bloggers want to give me any pointers, I’ll take them.

So, I’ll be speaking with you more in the days and weeks to come. I hope I don’t come off as whining… I hurt pretty good right now. Bear with me. I’m learning and growing. (as corny as that sounds)

Blogging about Life, Love, Having Twins, Boise State Football and lots of other crap.