The World Cup is here again.
I enjoy the World Cup. I like how the whole world gets fired up for it. I like how the USA can hold their own in international competition.
However, there is something I absolutley do NOT like. It is the constant “angry bee hive” buzz of those friggin’ vuvuzelas. I’ve watched exactly 45 minutes of play and I already want to stab red hot pokers into my ears. Those things are horrible. My rule of thumb for FIFA when determining which country to host the World Cup… first elimination criteria? If your fans blow those infernal horns nonstop you are OUT of the running. I’m sorry, but it just ruins the game for the billions watching on TV.
ESPN, here is my idea for you to help us fans get through this World Cup with our sanity intact. First, we need to isolate the commentators in a sound proof booth. I still want to hear the commentary. Second, kill all microphones anywhere in the arena. Third will take a little work. First, you build a software program that connects “fan noise” to an electronic keyboard. Then, you get some guy who is a soccer expert and musician and technical star to ‘play’ this keyboard while watching the game. He can fill in all the cheers, “ohhhh’s”, singing, groans, etc. It’s perfect! We get the ambience of the game without the horns. Even better, is evenutally you could sell this software to all of the little league dads out there who would want to add that sort of thing to the highlights of their kids playing all kinds of sports. It’s a win win!
Or, you could just pay the South African officials to ban those damn things. Either way works for me.
As an aside, can you imagine what would happen if we funneled our best athletes into soccer? How about LeBron James 6’6″ with a 40″ vertical as a striker? Troy Palomalu running a 4.2 40 as a midfielder? Kobe Bryant in goal? Shawne Merriman as a defender? Not that our guys aren’t good now, but wooo… we’d domintate all these 5’8″ guys from everywhere else.
Ok, time for the second half. Let’s root for another weak ass goal from the England keeper!
U-S-A! U-S-A!